I went out this morning and got the New York Times (a Sunday indulgence) and bagel and cream cheese and lox (oh, the carbs and calories) and early this afternoon I went to the gym and did an hour of cardio to work off that bagel.
Now, back home. Quiet. But is it peaceful? I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of “peace” lately, and why I can’t seem to find it, and why I – so often – find what others insist is “peace” to be delusional.
First of all, I’m in no position to judge anyone, so, I won’t. Their “peace” is theirs, and it’s not my place to measure it or insist it is bogus.
So, my peace – or, rather, lack thereof. Here’s the thing, on the way home from the gym, as I head onto 15 South, two lanes of traffic merge into one – which is signed FAR IN ADVANCE of its occurrence. So, most people move into the left lane, go to the back of the line, behave with some manners and dignity. BUT – there are – INVARIABLY – those who not only STAY in the right lane, but too, though they should rightfully be far back in the line – SPEED forward in the right lane and force their way into the left near the front of the line.
This makes me FURIOUS. Why? I always say to myself – “They’re not getting anywhere any sooner than the rest of us.” Which is true. The time (or distance) they gain by dangerous line butting and merging is negligible. So, since we’re all getting where we’re going at about the same time at about the same pace no matter that they butt or don’t – WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I CARE?
It is a COMPLETE waste of energy getting upset about it. A ridiculous road-rage invitation to be one of those who REFUSE to let them in.
So, today when it happened, after I had managed to RUN and BIKE out my “stress” – as in, sort of sweated and saunaed out the things that are bothering me – then this jackhole does this right lane speed-ahead thing and BEEPS AT ME when I won’t let her in (and believe me – beeping did NOT encourage me to let her in – she ended up on the shoulder) – and afterward I thought –
And the voice started in: Because, you feel like you’ve followed the signs and the speed limits and the rules your whole life, and it pisses you off when others blithely go about their way without regard for others, concerned only with their destination and NOT AT ALL concerned about how their getting their might fuck up and inconvenience other people’s trips.
Okay. True. BUT WHAT DOES GETTING UPSET ACCOMPLISH? I am upset about a whole bunch of things right now but me being upset is NOT changing those things, NOT altering the behaviors of the people involved, CAN’T change the past, isn’t making anyone any better (health or happiness-wise) and serves NO PURPOSE but to keep me in this state of –
– well – let’s not label – so, readers – HELP ME. How do I get to peace? Because right now, the ONLY solution I can come up with is the kind of peace following “rest in” – and, well, yeah –
HELP ME. Please? I could really use some friends. Some love. Until then, I think I’d better stay in bed – not that anyone’s asked me to get up.
“Lonely. Lonely. Lonely. Tin can at my feet, I think I’ll kick it down the street. That’s no way to treat a friend. Right before me, the signs implore me: Help the needy and show them the way. Human kindness is overflowing. And I think it’s gonna rain today.”