Okay, second post of the day, I know, and way too early for it.But, see, the thing is, I’m thinking too much and when I think too much I need to write or read or SCREAM or something and so . . . unlike Norma Desmond, I don’t have a Max or Joe to help me sustain my delusions, I am all alone in this so – would someone get me a fucking drink, PLEASE? Or, a drinking fuck? Or –
I was trolling websites and saw an article about a study into the number of M4M (that’s Male for Male for those of you not familiar with hooking up on-line) postings on a social site fishing for “Straight Identified Males” for sex. I have done a great deal of study and contemplation and discussion about this very thing; what makes for attraction? How much is genetically encoded, how much is influenced by society, after it is determined what particular genitals one desires – when it comes to all the other stuff connected to those genitals – how much does one REALLY have a choice?
As in – if you find yourself as a Gay Identified Male always attracted to Straight Identified Males – what is that about? Is it internalized homophobia taught by a culture that values WASP-het-men over all else?
I was getting all afluster and aflutter about this – and so did what I always do, retreated to musical theatre. Seems that the latest edition of Broadway Backwards just happened to which I was alerted by BoyCulture blog [CLICK HERE FOR STORY] – and in it, Andrew Rannells sang The Man That Got Away. I started searching all over for that – and could not (yet) find it – but, along the way – holy shit, these.
Raul Esparza singing The Man That Got Away at another Broadway Backwards. LISTEN:
Now, I have LONG been in love with Raul, ever since I saw him in the Sondheim Celebration production of Merrily We Roll Along at the Kennedy Center years ago, stopping the show with his Franklin Shepherd, Inc. REALLY, he STOPPED the show – he got a five minute standing ovation – well deserved – I was weeping within MOMENTS.
And I was at that show with – NO – wait – I can’t think about this now – I need to watch more videos. Raul – see, then I saw him on Broadway in Company and he was BRILLIANT.
When he hit that chord on that keyboard, I gasped. I was heave-weeping by the middle of the song. Just dying. It was one of those birthday alone trips to which I referred in this morning’s earlier post [CLICK HERE TO READ] – and it was – oh god – no – I need to watch more videos – I can’t start thinking about that/this –
Thing is, when he was in Merrily, I knew someone working on show and voiced my desire for him. She assured me he was a hound, seriously hitting on all the women in his vicinity. Alas, I thought, just my luck. It was only a few years later he came out as bi-sexual and shared his long-term relationship with an older man. Again, JUST MY FUCKING LUCK.
Point, Charlie? I am attracted to him STILL – and he is Gay Identified. So, there.
MORE VIDEOS GODDAMMMMMIT.
Like, another Broadway Backwards performance by Mr. Rannells popped up. The Music That Makes Me Dance, from Funny Girl. LISTEN:
If I told you I spent YEARS of my youth performing this song along with Streisand on the Funny Girl OBC into my bedroom mirror, would you be surprised? I thought not. I used to sing, you know, and the only time anyone ever loved me was because of my voice or what happened when I used my voice and NO NO NO – wait – NO, I CAN’T THINK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW – VIDEOS!
And then, I came to this. LISTEN:
ADORE. Song written by one of the fellows responsible for some of the songs from the late, lamented Smash. At 54 Below in New York. A place to which I have never been. I would have if I could still head to New York for a birthday week but that can’t happen anymore because I had to – NO NO NO – MORE MUSIC DAMMIT – In any event, by the end of this little number, I was in love with Mr. Rannells. Who is Gay Identified. Yes, he is – and his TIGHT ASS as displayed on HBO’s GIRLS doesn’t hurt either.
So, there. I don’t feel so bad about the kick in the gut I got reading the story about all those social-media-hook-up-I-want-a-straight-man-gay guys. Not that I would ever have anything to do with a married, straight-identified man. Not me. Or, an unmarried, straight-identified man fooling around with his sexuality and using me as a back-up plan and then . . . NO NO NO Not me.
Fuck this . . . gotta go watch some more musical theatre videos . . . later.