Exit. Exit. Oh, Exit.

Exit 3 Ways

I will
I think
never
stop be-
-ing sur-
-prised at
the ease
with which
people
can ex-
-it con-
-versa-
-tions with
me.

I had to run so quickly to save my life, like a conflagration, not of flames, but her fury, and I grabbed what was in my path, trying to be sure and certain to take what I would need, what had been mine before her, and in the run and the rush and the firing of her accusations, I left behind my aunt’s fur coat. I lost my aunt’s fur coat. Which I had used as a costume. And prop. In which I would wrap myself when I was sad. And cold. Because it meant so much to my aunt. I could not, could not ever, go back to get it. I had to save my life and in doing so lost parts of it.

I will, I think, never stop being
surprised at the ease with which people
can exit conversations with me.

And so many pictures. But what would I do with them? And then, there, the new place, which I am about to lose, instead of fire, flood. Soon. After. I’d arrived. Water. I woke one night and swung my legs over the side of the bed onto the ground where a river had come. A river in which my pictures and scrapbooks, the ones I’d managed to grab when I’d run, a river in which those were drowned and turned to clumps of glue and ink and paper and made brick of blanks. I have just memories. No proof.

I will, I think, never stop being surprised at the ease with which people can exit conversations with me.

No fur. No proof. So many lost parts of me.

And soon, I need to run again. I have left so much behind.

I wish I had Sissie’s fur coat to wrap myself in, protect me from all that is gone. Which makes sense to no one but me.

Exit. Exit. Oh, exit.

Words in shapes unlike me . . .

It started a few weeks ago. I was sitting in a Barnes & Noble, having a coffee and reading The Best American Poetry 2015, and I was gobsmacked by the combination of beauty and brazen, blazing — dangerous, even — innocence of the passing teen boys and, too, my even more dangerous reaction to it. So, I wrote about it. And instead of the usual notebook entry that ends up going nowhere, that scribbling of my emotional tsunami became what I took to be a poem. Since then, other storms of feeling have shaped themselves into poetry. I do not kid myself that I have any gift for this, but, it is what I have to give to you for Christmas 2015. So, here you go.

TALL BOYS IN THE MALL

Tall boys in the mall

boys all noise

& ballsy bluster boys

so easily flustered by the gaze of

love for tall boys from

this cussed old man.

That was the first. A few days later, this . . .

THE ONLY KIND OF LOVE SONG I KNOW IS NAMED “GOODBYE”

Something carefully submerged

in me, the

unfathomable, intangible

stuff of soul

essence you made sing

cannot be for(you)given.

Go. Now.

That was the next, followed, soon, by . . .

OLGA, OUR DINER WAITRESS

Snorting coke in a New Haven gay bar bathroom

thirty-four years ago

yesterday remembered because: reasons.

Olga, our diner waitress, sits w/us & we ask

about her sister who has come here from Greece, now

& Olga says; “Not good.”

Olga remembers

no lemon in my iced tea

and my sister died recently

so Olga is loath to tell us details

when we ask about her sister, Olga says,

“I want to spare you memories. Not good.”

Olga steers me to the calf liver special

(see what I did there) and laughs

at my jokes & calls me honey

& Olga, sitting in our booth,

asks how is my Mom

& then difficult woman at table 3 waves at me

difficult woman at table 3 wants Olga’s attention

& I am forced to interrupt Olga’s explanation

of details of her sister’s “not good”

so difficult woman at table 3 can snivel to Olga

“This burger tastes wrong. The meat is bad.”

she wants a crab cake for the same price

I am furious on Olga’s behalf

I tell Olga it is a scam, she says, “Honey,”

she calls me Honey, “choose your battles.”

Olga says her sister, who is not good

has chosen not to take pain meds –

they are all I want

because I did not

choose my battles

I fought everything

everyone

everywhere

every day

snorted coke in a New Haven gay bar bathroom

thirty-four years ago

that night I was fired from waiting tables

for that battle where I threw a pizza

at a table of Yale football players

who had called me “faggot”

rude men rude boys who chased me down the street

but I had a head start and ducked into the gay bar

in New Haven where I snorted coke

thirty-four years ago and yesterday remembered

when Olga, our diner waitress, sat with us. She remembers

I hate lemons in my iced tea

& my sister died

& Olga’s sister is not good

& we must, honey, choose our battles

Long, formless, yes. But, Olga. And the diner. The relationships we make with people outside the boundaries of how “relationships” are often defined. It struck me. I wrote it. About a week later, I was feeling really like crap and wishing I had an in real life literary group to call my own and so spit this out, fast and barely punctuated . . .

SUICIDEATION UN-NUMBERED (in the millions, those)

I’ve no literate Leonard nor literal lighthouse nor beguiling band of Bloomsburyans nor vervain of a Vita so why these stones in my pockets?

I think it qualifies as a poem. Ha. After which I took a long break, or, rather, since I never intend to write poetry, there didn’t come until today any urge to speak focused truths, memories, in specific shape. But, today, for some unknown, unknowable reason, I was moved to write a sonnet. And, here it is:

The Semiotics of Sorrow, This Year When I Turned Fifty-Four

This year; Mommy having deftly dodged death
Said, “Remember B— C—? Your age? He died.”
I cried. Mommy, eighty-six, apologized,
“I didn’t know.” My age. Breathed his last breath.

This year; when I’d turned fifty-four, B— C—,
Dead. From the back seat, her, “I didn’t know”
So enraged and deflated me. “Well, no
You didn’t. I know.” He fucked then hid me

That year we were thirteen. Comparing cocks
Led to fumbling spurtings, we couldn’t last,
Blasting boy lusts and I said “love” too fast.
He didn’t. I know, now, there were no clocks

That year telling a time in which he’d not
Dread my love. I cried when he died this year.

 

That’s it. Merry Christmas, dear ones. Love and Light and all good things and joy for you and yours during your holidays.