WordPress is selling ads on me. I wanted to be a writer admired and followed for my insight and introspection and emotional connection and empathy – but instead, seems like I’m being followed for my penis. What The Actual Fuck?
All the introspection the New York chronicling is bringing is – I am well aware – likely to lose me readers. This year-end shit all over the place – this year-end shit in which I do not indulge because time is an illusion – this year-end shit that caused me to check my most popular posts from 2013 just validates what my friend C told me on our New York trip:
“You get enough hits on your blog for WordPress to put ads on it – so, you must be doing something right. Although I’m pretty sure it’s the naked men and dicks getting you hits.”
Well, MAYBE. Because – according to my stats on this free WordPress account which is apparently doing well enough that WordPress feels free to sell ADS ON THE BLOG I’M WRITING (which makes me want to go on a diatribe about the number of times in my life my writing has been RIPPED OFF and other people have benefitted from it while I have NOT and I’m NOT just talking about monetarily you plagiarists and freely thieving borrowers and adapters.) the most popular posts of the past year have been:
5) “… …. …. …..” THIS UNTITLED ONE (CLICK HERE TO READ) from October 5, 2013 in which I was too fucked up to speak and tried to tell my story with just pictures – many of which were personal, but, a few of which were – as C calls them, “big dick pics” – including the one below. I cannot quite imagine how this entry achieved so many hits, and I don’t really WANT to know WHY. But it did.
4) The next most popular was “Greatest Hits 2: Joe Jonas comes out … AGAIN” (CLICK HERE TO READ/SEE) from August. And, again, any mention of a Jonas Bro coming out does wonders for my hits and sprinkling the essay with the words “naked” and “JoBros naked” and including pictures . . . well, yeah. There it was (Is) again – the whole “big dick” theory thing.
3) Number 3 makes me feel a little better. It was from May 5 and was called “SMASH-ed again: 3 Steps To Acceptance” (CLICK HERE TO READ) and while some of the unkind-er (and more attentive) among you might assume this to have been about my increasingly frequent episodes of drunken-ness – BUT NO – it was about one of my favorite characters on the late, lamented NBC television show about making Broadway musicals – SMASH – being killed off. And then it launched into some lengthy philosophical introspection about loss and discovery and telling ourselves stories. I’d LIKE to pretend it was my deeply thoughtful life advice that got readers – but I know better.
2) Speaks for itself … and was one of my SHORTEST posts of the year. From August it was “GREATEST HITS … Blues and Boners” (CLICK HERE TO READ) about … well … you can probably catch on without my explaining it but it had that SAME CALVIN KLEIN CLAD DICK that is in 3 of my top 5 including this and …
1) … the original post from April; “WORDS TO THE WISE” (CLICK HERE TO SEE/READ) – in which the erect “big dick” wrapped in Calvin’s was posted along with, well, my words to the wise as follows:
I knew a man once who was obsessed with the size of his genitalia. Here’s what I have learned from having known him:
It is a genetic accident how big your dick is; it is a personal choice how big a dick you are.
I wonder if he’s learned this yet?
I still wonder. I, myself, have learned a lot about dick size this year in many different ways, both literal and metaphoric, and the PRIMARY lesson has been that if I work a big dick into my writing (or write a big dick into my working or … not sure but somehow this should have been a better, clever-er sentence about working a big dick) I will get A LOT of hits.
The key is then to caress and finesse that big dick with some writing and HOPE somebody reads it and gives a damn about the words and thoughts and feelings and not just the dick. Which, when you get right down to it, is sort of the story of my life in a lot of ways . . . this life in which, here I am. Going.