I am used to being lost. Literally. Then I got a Garmin. Unfortunately, there is no spiritual Garmin to tell me where to turn. How to get there. Wherever THERE might be. AND, tonight – I managed to break my Garmin. Which is a fucking – well – not so much – but which is a DISASTER. Now, not only will I continue this spiritual wandering, but I won’t know how to get ANYWHERE, here, where I am – well – TRYING to go.
DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN.
I should be asleep. I should be. But I am watching DIVA-TURNS. I have watched/listened to six versions of ROSE’S TURN so far. And four of AND EVE WAS WEAK. And Betty Buckley’s SUNSET BOULEVARD finale performance four times. It’s on now, as I am typing. I saw her during her last week in the role, and coming back from dinner later, there she was coming out to her limo, I was encouraged to go over to her – but I was so ridiculously moved by her performance, so awestruck and emptied, I couldn’t speak. I just stood there and wept. She was so kind, her arm around me, holding me, until finally she looked at the crowd – thinking I was somehow differently abled – and said, “Does he belong to anyone?”
Now I am crying, because, no, I didn’t. I never have. It makes me a little sad. Right now. I don’t belong to anyone. I don’t belong to. I don’t belong. I don’t.
At 11:20pm tonight a dear, dear friend – my A -sent me a text; she is playing Carrie in “CARRIE: THE MUSICAL” which is enough to make a life wonderful, but, tonight during curtain call, she was proposed to.
Now, let me say this about that: I have long been obsessed with “CARRIE: THE MUSICAL” and long, long ago I knew I had won a HUGE prize of friendship when my dear, dear J presented me with bootleg recordings of both the Stratford version starring Barbara Cook and the Broadway version starring Betty Buckley. It was the beginning of years of J gifting me with rare recordings and gifts of things I’d only dreamed of hearing – he also sent me a bootleg of Ms Buckley in “SUNSET” and her performance as Mama Rose in “GYPSY”. Here are some ROSE’S TURNS.
(Tyne is my dear J’s favorite Rose. I didn’t see her.)
(Angela is my Mama Rose – I saw her when I was 12 and this performance was the greatest I have EVER seen anywhere, still un-equalled)
I used to dream I’d play Fanny Brice and Mama Rose. I had a lot of dreams. And so …
So, A, who I love dearly, is engaged. Proposed to on stage. During curtain calls. When playing Carrie.
So, long about 11:45 I went out. Long story. By the time I got home at 2am, my Garmin was crushed, I needed a shower, and I thought I lost my phone – but I found it in the back seat, sort of half under a jacket and … well, look, I’m not engaged.I am quite alone.
You won’t. I should get that. Look, this isn’t a musical. I’m not having curtain calls. I’m not playing or directing Carrie.
I spent hours today and tonight making chili. Which has to slow cook until Sunday to actually be ready. It’s my own recipe, a combination of many others, with touches of my own, and requires the roasting of fresh tomatoes and five kinds of peppers, the reconstituting of another two kinds of peppers in boiling beer, the braising and browning of three kinds of meat – brisket, pork shoulder, bacon, and three kinds of beans, and another few secret ingredients which are pureed with the roasted vegetables as part of the base, added in a particular order to the pot – the huge pot – which begins with the sweated/sautéed onions and garlic in special spices bought at the international market, and four spice dumps – all particular of weight and order – and … it is an intense and long process which results in something I think is very delicious and on Sunday, when it has cooked for a few days, I will make cornbread to go with it.
I am a really good cook. The person who crushed my Garmin thinks my name is Sebastian and knows nothing about any shows I’ve ever done or songs I’ve ever sung or chili I have made and … I don’t know that I can continue to be this person in this life for one more winter …
I need to GET OUT OF HERE … but without ANY SORT OF GARMIN TO GUIDE ME … how the fuck do I do that?