Mom, Rash, and Cumming. (That sounds bad.)

MOM

The Mother Unit

Long/short and without invading her privacy — not that I haven’t Tweeted her from here to queendom come already — my Mom was to have a procedure on Friday which is normally done in the doctor’s office, but because of her age, heart, and other medical concerns, it was done at the hospital.

As is always the case, she takes these things in stride. As is also always the case, we, her children, and she, end up amusing and entertaining the medical staff,and on departure we are hugging everyone. We are a family of huggers. I am, in fact, well known for my hugs both by those who have been shocked and put off by my embrace and those who yearn for my long, tight, back rubbing, soothing caresses, being enfolded in my love and light.

The outpatient surgical waiting area, complete with grand piano that plays itself. And the EVITA balcony. I wanted to, I really did, but I didn’t.

Once Mom went under, sister and I were sent out to the GORGEOUS waiting area, handed a buzzer like one gets when waiting for a table at a restaurant, and informed that the procedure would take about an hour.

Imagine my surprise when ten minutes later it started to vibrate. Imagine my horror when I went to the volunteer desk and said, “I think you buzzed the wrong buzzer, my Mom’s operation takes an hour.” And they said, “The doctor needs to speak with you right away,” and led me to the consultation room.

Short/long. She is fine. The procedure was unnecessary because the condition is a result of her aging, there is nothing to be done about it except make a few adjustments in behavior, and it is what it is.

Thank goodness I had listened to her when she’d INSISTED on getting her hair done the day before the procedure. I am less worried about the condition killing her than I am about her head exploding if her beloved Baltimore Orioles lose one more game to the Yankees she hates so much. Her screaming at the television is likely to result in burst blood vessels or a stroke. Or, maybe not, once again the medical staff each and every one did some variation of, “You are in amazing shape and health for an 89-year-old.”

She is. And it gives me hope that despite my recent medical travails, if I keep living, I’ll be able to keep living, in the way my mom, example for us all, has thrived and gone on. But speaking of my medical issues … there’s my …

RASH

My beautiful rash. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror when I take my clothes off, shower, etcetera, and I have to hide at the gym, which has DESTROYED my sauna game.

By this time tomorrow, I should finally have had the skin biopsy which has now been postponed three times, and be on the way (I hope) to solving the mystery of this ever spreading (well, it’s stopped now as everything from the neck down is covered — PLEASE don’t move up to my face), ever morphing in shape and texture, un-diagnosable (so far) or treatable rash (that is not really a rash) which has been going on since January. I will also, no doubt, have had my vasovagal syncope reaction to the numbing needles and passed out. I’ve been told the biopsy leaves only the tiniest of scars. Look, a tiny scar after months of being covered in dots and splotches seems a little thing — as long as it leads to a cure.

I need a cure, because, of late, I am also having issues with forgetfulness, a mind stutter where I seem to go offline for a few seconds, and there is joint pain, for example, this morning I can hardly move my right thumb, and I’m having chest constriction — which feels like anxiety but I don’t feel particularly anxious. Weird. I would like some answers.

But, look, I know I’m lucky. Look at my brave, amazing Mom who delivered six children, had three miscarriages, has had heart, kidney, and endless other surgeries, gets daily shots, has seen her parents, two husbands, all of her siblings, and one of her delivered children die, and  — she’s so dear — wanted to go with me tomorrow for my two-minute skin biopsy because, “I know how you feel about needles and you take me everywhere.”

I have, maybe, the greatest mother of all time.

And finally, CUMMING, of the Alan variety

Last night my dear A treated me to a night at the Kennedy Center where we saw Alan Cumming performing his Alan Cumming Sings Sappy Songs, which A had already seen twice — once in its original iteration at the Cafe Carlyle and another time at Strathmore Concert Hall. A is a devoted fan of Mr. Cumming. I confess I had never seen him live, ever, and wasn’t quite sure what to expect. I can say with 100% sincerity, my experiencing of Alan’s one night stand was a great time.

The Carver Twins

More Carver Twins because … well, look.

I also must confess, I was a little disappointed that I did not see the Carver Twins, Charlie and Max, in the audience. I knew they were in D.C. for the climate march and I thought I’d heard they (or, at least Charlie) were going to be at the concert. If they were, they were well hidden. Alas. Although, probably fine because while I do have an undeniable appeal to young men with daddy-issues, with Alan being 52 and right there, clearly available and more than able (those pants were tight and obviously bothering him as he kept adjusting his estimable bulge), and considering my rash, why would they bother with me?

I was distracted by Mr. Cumming, though. (Aside from the bulge and its frequent adjustment.) He is a much better vocalist than I had thought and he invests each number with intense emotion, real commitment, and wraps it all up in a story, well told. And speaking of stories, his between songs patter was pretty damn glorious, near perfect. Funny, touching, interesting, shocking, moving, perfectly timed and delivered, and, too, his digs about the current state of politics and life in this country, well, they earned huge applause. His anecdotes about Stephen Sondheim, Liza Minnelli, Judy Garland, Kay Thompson, and a fellow named Raven, are hilarious.

And, it’s the way he delivers that really makes it. He has a smooth awareness of just how cute and gamine he can be before crossing over into calculated and arch. The sideways glance, the slow take, the rim-shot moments, the flirting, the outright seduction are some near-lethal combination of charming and erotic, so you feel surrendered and a little naughty.

That said, I don’t trust him. HA! He gives me the vibe of someone who wears his sensitivity as a defense of his cruelty, and I’ve tried to avoid those types in which I once specialized — their magnetism and sensual aura sucks you in and makes you part of their defense team, you fall for their vulnerability and use it as an excuse for all the horrible shit they do to you. So, no, I could NEVER give in to my lust for him — really, I couldn’t. Go ahead, Alan, test me. And, too, being shallow me, I could never have sex with him — really, I couldn’t, go ahead Alan, ASK ME — because he has too much underarm hair for me and I haven’t ever liaised with a man in his 50s. Unless one counts my nights with myself. Which, I don’t. So, Alan, there’s no hope for the two of us. I mean it. Don’t try. Seriously, you’d just get hurt but, well, if you don’t believe me, JUST ASK ME.

Now if we could get the Carver boys on board … maybe … okay, gotta run, the world isn’t going to hug itself, now is it? Love and light, dear ones.

…here we are…flashes

Thursday, January 22, 2015 — turned my phone back on last night, first time since Sunday, I hadn’t missed any messages or texts. Got back on Twitter today, hadn’t missed any messages. Seems my disappearing is going to be even easier than I’d thought, LOL. Cue the rolling in of the green mist. Here were some notes I took during my absence — and a few added today.

Sunday, January 18, 2015 — I’ve turned off my phone. I’m rationing my on-line time. I’m not Tweeting or, even, opening Twitter. I need to re-program my brain so that I can, once again, focus hours-long on reading and writing. I’ve allowed myself to be short-circuited. Or, rather, as another step in my long and steady parade of self-destruction, I have short-circuited myself. So, in much the way I stopped with the damaging-self-negating relationships, stopped with the smoking, stopped with the drinking; I am stopping (for a while) with the techno-distractions.

However, I still get these URGES (compulsions) to drop a headline, elevator-pitch about things going on in my life. So, in lieu of Continue reading

I OBJECT(ify)! 2014-3-17

It’s Monday. It’s snowing. Again. So, in keeping with lots of other bloggers I follow, I think I will start posting photos of men I desire. Here he is: Monday Man.

March 17 2014

I already feel guilty. I have – once again – compromised myself and distracted ME with pretty pictures of pretty men, turning them into objects and fodder for sexual (and emotional) fantasy. I think about – and worry about – this a lot; this conundrum. I want people to love me despite the fact I am nowhere near any physical ideal – you know, love me for my spirit and brain and such? Right.

We are who we are. I am attracted to certain things, and, for whatever reason, what gets me going sexually is the male body. Is THAT about objectification? Or, does the objection to objectification begin JUST when one starts preferring a PARTICULAR type of male body? I mean – was I somehow indoctrinated – and if so, how and when? I’m supposed to feel BADLY because I WANT people to keep making TUMBLRs and

Marc Jacobs

and Marc Jacobs ads and

Andrew Christian

Andrew Christian 2 Andrew Christian

Andrew Christian commercials with hot, mostly naked (or, all naked) guys? Hmph.

And in that vein; tonight, Dancing With The Stars returns. Derek is back.

Hough, Derek Sailor

I haven’t forgiven him for buying a house with Mark, though it’s none of my business since I had already dumped him when I got back together with Russell from whom I’d drifted apart once he returned to the UK after The History Boys closed on Broadway.

tovey, russell tweetTovey, Russell Jan 2014

But he’s back, albeit kissing (and OTHER things) Groff in Looking. 

Looking 2Looking 3Looking 4Looking 5Looking 6 KISS

Tovey, Groff Looking 5Tovey, Groff Looking 4Tovey, Groff Looking 3Tovey, Groff Looking 2Tovey, Groff Looking 1

So, don’t give up hope Derek. If Russell keeps up these shenanigans, maybe you and I have a chance after all. Not until you move Mark out of that house though! And QUIT flying to Russia. Have you NO IDEA how dangerous that is for gay people? Sheesh.

And then, after Dancing … another episode of MTV’s TeenWolf. This season’s “Evil Stiles” focus proves once again that gay men drive this culture. We were ALL blogging and shipping Dylan O’Brien last season – not to say – OBSESSSSSSING – and then, BOOM, he’s made into the lead of the show. AND HE’S NOT EVEN GAY A WOLF!

Sterek 9Sterek 10Sterek 9Sterek 7

Stiles 1stiles 2stiles 3

tw gif scott4tw gif scott3tw gif scott2tw gif scott1

And, uhm, the twins?

Charlie & Max Carver

Charlie & Max Carver

So, yes. I OBJECT(ify) – often and well. And if I didn’t have social media on which to do it, I would have been collecting old snapshots like these . . .

Mar 17 1 Mar 17 2 Mar 17 3 Mar 17 4 Mar 17 5 Mar 17 6

Happy Monday.

… pretty little pictures 2 …

Since my post this morning about too much thinking (CLICK HERE TO READ) I spent the day taking care of the female parental unit. This involved hair being done, jewelery store for watch battery replacement, lunch being eaten, a Goodwill store being visited (I got a GREAT $2 sweater by the way), a visit to the nephrologist, a “quick” walk through the grocery store (45 minutes) for “I just need skim milk” (a cart FULL of items) and finally, a really slippery ride home. The snow had started. But, you know what, she called to make sure I had made it home okay. Gotta love it.

But it made for some tension and so I came home and did what I do entirely too much of – but I have to STOP ALL THAT THINKING – I spend a lot of time surfing. A lot. Pretty little pictures are the only thing able to STOP MY MIND. Or, at least, focus it on something else. Or, at least, introduce the possibility that perhaps an organ other than my brain might get a little exercise. So, here you go … I feel generous today.

My $2 Goodwill Sweater - 100% cotton!

My $2 Goodwill Sweater – 100% cotton!

I love my bargain sweater find. I walked in looking for a headboard – long story – and walked out with the 100% cotton sweater. I’ll need to return to the gym and sensible eating before I can wear horizontal stripes however. And then, this picture below. Because I have been thinking A LOT about what it is to be carried by another and/or carry another and what love means and the different kinds of love and relationships and intimacies and how much we probably miss by limiting ourselves to labels and definitions and shoulds and conventions.

Les Inondes de Tounis by Jean Blaise Villemsens, 1837

Les Inondes de Tounis by Jean Blaise Villemsens, 1837

Speaking of relationships and all the different kinds there are . . . I think MTV’s “TEEN WOLF” (returning January 6) does an amazing job of capturing the undercurrent of the zeitgeist and the way we marginalize one another and the ways in which we screw up relationships by – again – labeling and defining people by arbitrary patriarchal classist tropes and conventions. Which has NOTHING to do with what I was thinking when I saw this photo of the Carver Twins; Max and Charlie.

Charlie & Max Carver

Charlie & Max Carver

I’m going to stop talking now and let the pictures speak for themselves. Because, what’s the point of turning my brain off if I keep narrating the meant to be mindless, sensual journey?

gyllen run gyllenhaal jack off JoBros Gif 1 JoBros Gif 2

Bat mask is empty batman downtrodden batman_superman Batman-Stands-Alone Depressed-Batman Here's to Survival Jan 1 2014 January 25, 2013 fabulous Tired ZANDER_BAJA

I have this Batman complex going on, in case you didn’t know. And an Oz-Isherwood-ThinMan-Trouble With Angels-Sterek Teen Wolf sort of thing too.

scarecrowsingle man 5 single man teen wolf3 thinman

trouble with angels

And Joseph Gordon-Levitt thing …

gordon-levitt joseph

And a thing thing …

3 nudes drowning patriota twins richardson3 Sascha Kooienga Sparta Lovers weber a&f abercrombie-wrestling-shower weber a&f wrestling-underwater Yearbook-Stephen-Homotography-Sinclair-08

But I’m STILL an intellectual . . . right? Write.

adler and didion bloomsbury group bowles jane and paul Burroughs, William S capote didion didion didion2 edmund white city boy GilesLyttonStracheyVirginiaWoolfneS Hurston, Zora Neale isherwood bachardy parker Peter Orlovsky & Allen Ginsberg - photo by Richard Avedon 1963 proust on deathbed source getty museum Smith & Mapplethorpe smith, patti rimbaud shirt sondheim stephen tennessee williams verlaine & rimbaud waugh bridesheadrevisited wilde bosie real fictional woolf

Good-bye. I have home-made chili and cornbread (I made them) and a pile of books and the snow is falling and the best way not to think is to read so much that someone else is doing it for me . . . much love . . .

. . . if it’s Tuesday this must be . . . Boonsboro? . . .

(Today’s entry in which I travel from my retreat from electronic connection of all kinds to the gay-loving Pope to the TEEN WOLF array of peni to Scott Baio’s speedo on old BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS and the LARGEST bottle of Patron I’ve ever seen – amen – )

I am WAYYYYYYYY out there (here) and I mean that in the actual physical – not emotional and psychological senses – in the bucolic backwoods of Boonsboro.

In my long march toward becoming an actual, honest-to-goodness, full-on hermit. I suppose, during this retreat, I will have to be my own Mao Zedong (were it later in the day and I feeling more blasphemous, I might make a joke about that name) and inspire the troops (meaning: all my multiple personalities) to follow me by exhibiting my leadership qualities.

Right. Oh wait, I do have followers – Judah and Sophie –

Sophie, by car, and Judah, lounging. My people. Early afternoon, before the evening TEEN WOLF bacchanalia.

Sophie, by car, and Judah, lounging. My people. Early afternoon, before the evening TEEN WOLF bacchanalia.

although they’ve as little say in the matter as did those peasants trying to resist the Red Army – although, were I an army, I like to think I’d be blue rather than red – but, what the hell am I talking about? This is what comes of pastoral solitude, I suppose – pastoral in the idyllic, countryfied, Arcadian sense – not in the clergy, pontifical sense. ALTHOUGH, this home is the abode of an actual, honest-to-goodness (and she is extremely honest and good) woman of the cloth, so . . . hmm.

Speaking of pontifical, how about that Pope? Whilst all progress is to be applauded, I am somewhat dumbstruck and flabbergasted by the victorious “I told you so” tones of some of those of Catholic-stripe who cite this ONE PHRASE as somehow ameliorating the centuries of criminally vicious attack on women and gays and every other minority. I mean, I am sure this new Pope means well, but this is the leader of a church which Continue reading