What Will Be . . .

Things I have learned in the past ten days:

  • Steroids block my Wellbutrin from working;
  • Alcohol undoes the peace Wellbutrin has given me;
  • After a few weeks of Wellbutrin peace, having even one day without that peace is one day more than I can take;
  • That one day without peace made me realize I am a freaking hero for having  survived feeling so unhappy and daily fighting off thoughts of death and despair for decades;
  • I do not know how I managed the sorrow in which I lived and it drained the Charlie from me;
  • My mother and I both know the first verse and chorus of Que Sera Sera and we sound very pretty singing it together in the car;
  • When I am Charlie-whole, my strength encourages people to get their crying out because they know I can take it;
  • I think I have learned that Wellbutrin makes my misophonia worse because I have almost throttled people and screamed and yelled and raged because of noises they were making — but I refrained. But, noise. I hate it. Repetitive noises actually make me consider violence;
  • Men are exhausting and recreational sex is far more complicated than it ought to be because of fucked up american mythology and religionist bullshit;
  • I have finally developed a delicious, moist, doesn’t sink in the middle devil’s food cake recipe;
  • I actually can go two weeks without checking my Twitter timeline or notifications and survive;
  • My blog is trending in Brazil, a country from which I have more views now than from any other, including america;
  • “Effie we all got pain” and “Effie we all got paid” are now the top searches used to get to me, replacing the long popular “Dylan O’Brien naked”;
  • I am in danger of losing my license and car because of back taxes from something like six years ago but no one will get back to me with amount or when or what;
  • I would be rolling on the floor crying were it not for Wellbutrin;
  • I am a really, really good person.

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