I Don’t Know

I don’t know what to do with how I’m feeling since the election.

I don’t know how 62+ million people voted for a horrifyingly narcissistic man who openly mocked a differently-abled person; a man who sexually assaulted multiple women and bragged about it; a man who is overtly racist; a man who called Mexicans rapists; a man who refused to release his financial or health information; a man who lies as easily as he breathes; a man who chose as running mate a man who has open contempt for the LGBTQ community and has worked to outlaw them and legalize extremely harmful psychological attempts to decimate them; these two men who have no regard for the reproductive and health rights of women; these two men who wish to gut the healthcare and social safety net system; these are two horrifyingly inhuman men fronting a horrifyingly white-heterosexist-male party of increasingly fascist intent.

I don’t know what to do with how this has made me feel.

I don’t know what to do with what I’m trying to write when mostly rage pours out.

I don’t know what to do with myself when I am bursting into tears so often.

I don’t understand this. I want to keen and wail and riot at the unfairness of this. I wanted a peaceful end of my days. I wanted quiet. I wanted not to have to hear the young men I know tell me how they were verbally assaulted and cornered and called faggot and told that tr*mp and p*nce were going to “gas your kind faggot.”

This isn’t suppose to be happening now. But it is. We have in control of the White House and both houses of congress a major political party with contempt for the rights of women, people of color, anyone not a christist, LGBTQ people, and anyone not born in the U.S. We still have huge religions with some of the same sort of hates; just this week the popist-papist speakers signed on to codify LGBTQ discrimination and abrogation of our rights.

And yet, 62+ million people voted for that asshat and his even more contemptible running mate and how many members of the GOP resigned? And how many papists with gay friends and family members, or, WOMEN — who still aren’t equal in the church — resigned from the church?

I don’t understand what to do with this.

I do understand this — I was fagbashed, raped by a “straight white” man, discriminated against in subtle and not so subtle ways for decades, slandered, screwed over, treated like a second or third class nothing for most of my life. If you want to belong to a party or group or church who in any way supports the continuation of that —

— you can’t claim to love me.

And  I can’t be around you.

I don’t understand this. 62 million people chose hate.

It is, to me, unfathomable.



One thought on “I Don’t Know

  1. I am feeling this too. I appreciate this blog. I feel a little better just knowing I am not alone in my disbelief, rage, sorrow…and fear.

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