This, about my absence.

UPDATE NOTE: I’ve gotten a couple of questions about my book appreciations; haven’t been up to doing the long-forms, but I do post short notes about what I read on my Pinterest, here:

I apologize about my absence.

I — like everyone else in the world who has any empathy at all — am having a difficult time maintaining balance in the face of the goings on in the world.

This world uproar, sorrow, fear, pain, makes everything in one’s own life seem somehow scarier and bigger and harder. I know this is silly. I know how lucky I am.

But …

I have been trying for a month to write a new blog entry. About sleeping alone. About being happy alone. About living outside the lines of the conventions of culturally approved adulthood. I can’t seem to do this to my satisfaction.

During that month I moved.

I have spent five nights in the new place. The rest of the time I have been house/pet sitting.

I have read twelve books.

I am going to watch Gilda tonight.

For dinner I am having a can of bargain brand ravioli cooked on a gas range that costs more than I have made in the last five years, in a home where every pan is Le Creuset, meaning, the sauce pan in which I am cooking my seventy-five cent can of ravioli costs more than I am paid for a week of house-sitting.

I have been stood up twice.

I have lost names. Had my poor-person insurance rejected by all in the specialist field I need within thirty miles. I have twice driven to a home where I am not currently living before remembering I am not living there.

I am an old gay man and old gay men are not very popular.

Twitter has upset me.

So, I have been avoiding Twitter. And people. Because I feel an obligation to see the bright side — I mean, I want to see the bright side and count my blessings and take ownership of my choices, how my life is — because this experience, what I do with it, it is mine, no one else is responsible.

But, I can’t — right now — today — be as upbeat as I’d like. And I’m feeling sort of lonely and unseen and laughed at and second-choice and disposable and — well, I’ll be back. Brighter.

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