Just, no more . . .

Today was really a horrible day. In addition to completely collapsing when visiting Sissie’s stone — I had all sorts of rejection which, really, couldn’t it have happened another day?

Sissie stone

I thought for a minute things were going my way — at the gym, after two and a half hours on cardio and machines, in shower, I got a horrible pain in the left chest area, moving down the arm — now, my left shoulder has long been a problem, and of late, it really hurts quite a bit — but this was a hold-on-to-the-wall sudden pain. I thought, “Wow, there IS some sort of afterlife and Sissie DID hear me today when I begged for her to pull strings and call me to her NOW. I’m having a heart attack.”

Alas. Guess it was just the two and a half hours. It stopped. Not until I had quickly exited the shower and dressed though. I didn’t want to die naked. My life has already been one humiliation after another, I hardly wanted to be found dead — naked — and alone.

Speaking of, the two guys at the gym who have sort of, regularly hit on me — both chose today — when I am so desperate and alone I might have caught the hit — to cut me dead.

Things just get better and better.

And then, AMERICAN HORROR STORY: FREAK SHOW chose tonight to get all sad. I was sobbing. Which was NOT what I needed tonight. I am already sobbing.

Have to pull it together. Tomorrow is the third Mother day of the week. I love her dearly but I am exhausted. Exhausted. Tuesday, pouring rain, I got soaking wet keeping her under the umbrella and holding her up. As I am dropping her off she says, “I hope it stops raining by Wednesday night.” I, foolishly, asked why. “Well, I wouldn’t want your brother to have to worry about rain like this. I’ll just tell him we don’t have to go if it’s still raining.”

Right. Because we wouldn’t want him to get wet, would we?

Honestly kids, I am just about done. My heart attack cannot come soon enough. I cannot take many more (any more?) days (years) when I need to be held up and — well, no one does it. I really could have used quite a lot of lifting today –  and, well, I just can’t lift myself. Anymore. And I’m starting to be unable to lift those who need me to lift them — no matter how many hours I go to the gym.


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