The Struggle: Throw It Away

*I don’t believe in god.

I wish I did. I wish I could. And for a very long time, I did. The first iteration was the Roman Catholic version, but I was quit of that shortly into adolescence when my sex organs started responding along with my thought and feeling organs, all conflating to explosions of forceful-feelings deserving of damnation in Catholic dogma. I read my way through many faiths and belief systems, ending eventually with a personal cosmology wherein the god-source was an over-arching mass consciousness of all-that-is-ness; still, even with that, there was a plan and something in charge.

Then, life happened.

I’ve been in retreat. Chosen, because I’ve free will and the opportunity to remove myself, and enforced, because I have been ill and, too, people who once were here, now, are less so. And, too, I am terrified about tomorrow’s elections. I know this is — ultimately — foolish. I was sure the world as I knew it would come to an end when Ronald Reagan was elected. Twice. Same with Bush, the second, twice. So, if the Republicans win the Senate, it will be what it will be and I am determined not to cry “the sky is falling” because that would make me no different from all those who did so when President Obama was chosen. Twice.

And, in fact, it was partly due to Ronald Reagan’s refusal to acknowledge AIDS that the modern BGLTQ movement was energized. So, one never knows. Truly. One never NEVER knows.

It would, however, be comforting — I miss those decades where I got on my knees once (or twice, depending on the decade) a day to pray to my idea of god — it would be comforting to have that. Or, faith. In something other than chaos and ennui and the likelihood that, in almost all cases, sooner or later, someone will find fault enough with me to turn away. It’s exhausting, which is why I have chosen, do choose, more and ever more, to do the turning and retreating myself, accepting rather than expecting, in my own little world.

But, my hand is open … ever hopeful.

*NOTE: LOL – when I pressed PUBLISH, I was informed this was my 666th post. First of all, WOW, and second of all, how amusing that it begins with “I don’t believe in god.”

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