It turns out, my return to the fold of those who seek medical advice after seven years has been extremely well-timed. This week, the pressure of having something to do and someplace to run and not one day just to myself caused me to have not only chest pains, but all sorts of other frightening symptoms, including an urge to ram people with my car, copious weeping as I kept spending a fortune on filling said car with gas, and physical ailments of some disturbing effect.
For example – I now have the skin of a teenboy. Oh, wait, that sounds very “Silence of the Lambs” and given my predilection for attraction to men young enough to date Calvin Klein – I ought to explain – I have not captured and skinned some incautious young thing, nor do I have one resting in the bed beside me [or a pit in the basement, there is no basement here, silly] — trust me, no one but dogs are EVER in bed beside ME. [And you may take that in both the literal and figurative senses.] NO! Instead – MY FACE IS BREAKING OUT. Now, I suppose one could attribute this to late in life/mid-life chemical imbalance/male menopausal acne — BUT PEOPLE – I had acne – HORRIBLE ACNE – from age 10 to approximately 30 — which means I have only been relatively zit-free for
25 15 years now that I’m in my early 50s 40s – SO THIS HARDLY SEEMS FAIR!
I can’t bear — nor do I have time this week with all the places I have to drive other people — to see a real doctor. SO, I went to the practice in my head — and, voila, I am a test case. Or, just, well, A CASE;
HOUSESITTUS-INTERRUPTUS: SYMPTOMS AND DIAGNOSIS (submitted tract for inclusion in upcoming DSM6 manual)
HouseSittus-Interruptus (HSI) was only recently discovered and, thus was not included in the Diagnosis and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders most current update. Thus, unrecognized and un-codified, symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment remain in the experimental and research realm.
(NOTE FOR LAY PEOPLE: I AM A GUINEA PIG)
No single symptom positively identifies the illness.
The syndrome: An individual might experience any combination of any number of symptoms. Furthermore, these symptoms may change over time. Or, an entirely unique set of symptoms may manifest. Or, there may be no symptoms at all.
(NOTE FOR LAY PEOPLE: THIS IS A CATCHALL DIAGNOSIS FOR AN IMAGINARY DISEASE. IF YOU WANT IT, YOU HAVE IT. MINE HAS BEEN CAUSED BY NOT BEING ABLE TO KEEP MY LAZY ASS ON THE BEAUTIFUL COUCH HERE IN THE BEAUTIFUL SUN ROOM HERE WITH THE BEAUTIFUL DOGS HERE ONE BEAUTIFUL FUCKING DAY WITHOUT HAVING TO RUN SOMEWHERE OR ANOTHER)
The symptoms of HouseSittus-Interruptus are divided into three categories: positive, negative and cognitive symptoms.
Positive Symptoms are also known as “psychotic symptoms” because the person has lost contact with reality in certain ways.
(NOTE FOR LAY PEOPLE: IF LOSING CONTACT WITH REALITY IN CERTAIN [AND UNCERTAIN] WAYS IS A SYMPTOM, I’VE HAD THIS SINCE BIRTH)
While an exact or specific cause of HSI is still unknown, researchers do know that the brains of people living with HSI are different from those undiagnosed with the illness.
(NOTE FOR LAY PEOPLE: PRETTY SURE THAT UPON DISSECTION MY BRAIN IS GOING TO BE SEEN TO BE QUITE DIFFERENT FROM ANYONE ELSE’S EVER AND THUS – TOO LATE TO BE OF ANY HELP TO ME – I WILL BE PROVEN CORRECT IN HAVING SAID FOR DECADES — “BUT I’M JUST NOT LIKE THE REST OF YOU – MY BRAIN DOESN’T WORK IN THE SAME WAY!”)
It is too early to classify HSI as either a neurodevelopmental (impairment of the growth and development of the brain) or a neurodegenerative (progressive loss of structure or function of neurons) disorder, as both seem to occur over the course of the illness.
Research strongly suggests the emergence of HSI is a result of both genetic and environmental factors.
(QUESTION FOR RESEARCHERS – COULD STAYING IN A HOUSE WITH THE FOLLOWING ENVIRONMENTAL FACTORS BE A CAUSE? LOOK:
(NOTE FOR LAY PEOPLE: [P.S. Where do you think I could find me a LayPerson? Preferably one who’d appeal to say — Calvin Klein?] NO ONE KNOWS WHERE HSI COMES FROM – BUT THOSE IN THE PRETEND-KNOW [i.e. the medical establishment] SUSPECT THAT BEING BORN INTO A CRAZY ASS FAMILY DOES NOT HELP, AND ONCE YOU ARE IN THAT CRAZY ASS GENE-POOL, CHANCES ARE THE LIFE YOU ARE TAUGHT/INCLINED TO LIVE JUST MAKES YOU MORE FUCKING NUTS.)
Diagnosing HSI is not easy. The first signs of its manifestation may only be a change of or disconnect from friends, a drop in communication or increase in irritability and not even appear to be “typical” signs of psychosis. Some HSI episodes may manifest physically as in tightness of chest, sore throat, grinding of teeth in sleep, skin eruptions such as acne or rash.
Complicating diagnosis further is that the symptoms of HSI also resemble those of other mental and physical health problems, such as bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and brain tumors, not to mention (if one is Roman Catholic) possession by minor demons requiring Exorcism.
HSI symptoms can also be mimicked in the effects of illicit drugs, including the use of methamphetamines or excesses of less-expensive Priorat which has not been properly aged. As a consequence there is no one single physical or lab test that is able on its own to accurately diagnosis HSI.
So, you can see friends, those who have poo-poohed my insistence that without regular, uninterrupted periods of alone time during which I can be unscheduled, lose myself in books and dog-petting, and not have to be anywhere or do anything I LOSE MY MIND – can now eat their words. It’s a thing. HSI. Not just a cacophony of accumulated neuroses called “Charlie’s whining again.”
Anyway … gotta run. Have to shower for 30 minutes and rub ice cubes on my broken out face and get more gas and all that so I can drive my dear Mother to her hairdresser in the mountain town rumored to be KKK headquarters in Maryland – which is why my plan to put a bag over my head, in this instance, seems ill-considered. Later, if I’m not lynched or arrested for throttling someone first.