Are you talking to me? You’re a birthday present, aren’t you?

DC Jan 2014 3 NY Times Press Seat at White HouseI’m completely confused. And I will thank you very much, my smartass/think you’re funny friends, to keep your snarky comments to yourselves. And call off the people you have remunerated to make me feel – whatever it is I am feeling.

Never in my entire life has anyone ever been attracted to me. I got this. I was no prize in the physical appearance department, and, thanks to a lethal combination of social anxiety and negative life experience, I developed what passed for a personality that, on first impression, came across in a variety of unpleasant ways depending on whether it was the Passive or the Aggressive multiple in control.

I became accustomed to being un-noticed, or, noticed in ways and for things I’d rather not have been. I accepted the fact that I would never be the hot one, that no, no one was ever going to fall for my deep soul, sparkling wit, and intellect. All good. I got it. I was not it. I was never going to be it.

SO WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN ARE SO MANY MEN HITTING ON ME? I have been approached at the gym three times in the past three days – two of those times were in the sauna where I was wearing just two towels. Trust me when I tell you that despite the number of hours I spend in the gym, I am far from a pretty sight. I see in the mirror a not very toned, not very alluring body, and the face of an old man. All three of the men who approached me were some combination of way younger, way better built, way hotter than should be bothering with me at all, ever, for even a second.

It can’t be my personality. I haven’t talked to any of them. We were strangers. I wear a huge black hoody at the gym – hood up – and go out of my way – especially in the locker room – never to ever look at anyone or make eye contact. I stay in my “I know I am unattractive” bubble, minding my own business and trying NOT to see attractive men.

In addition to this, a younger fellow I spent a little time with keeps messaging, calling, texting me wanting to spend time together. He can do way better. And another fellow from my age cohort with whom I spent a little time is also stalking me. He, too, can do way better.

This has NEVER happened to me – truly – and I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone seeing me half-naked would want to – approach – me, let alone the three really good-looking men who have done so this week.C BLOG 1

Which leads me to believe that my friends are behind this and have given these men money in a misguided attempt to make me feel attractive. That is not going to happen. So, call off the dogs – or, rather, call the hotties off this dog, please. We all know I am no good at this.

Now, back to my reading.

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