I’ll get to the objectified men, but first, ABOUT ME! Oh hell, fine. You’re just like every other stranger I hook up with … all about the sex. Fine. Here.
Okay, NOW ABOUT ME. I got sick yesterday, really, REALLY sick. Just TYPICAL of my life that on a day when TONS of people are puking from over-indulgence in the approved alcoholic fratboy holiday – I’m spazeaving without having had a sip of alcohol. Out of nowhere, all of a sudden, my stomach started to feel funny. Within ten minutes there were cold chills. Dizziness. And, for the first time in decades, regurgitation. This awful, cramping, felt like someone kicking me in the stomach, twisting my balls, standing on my lower back, electro-shocking my body into spasms – dry heaving. Once. Then, other than exhaustion and waves of nausea for about an hour which passed without event, it was over. Strangest thing I have EVER experienced. As brief as it was, it drained me beyond recognition. It was almost as if a 24 hour virus had been condensed into one hour. Anyone else had this?
Speaking of “had this” – Kenneth Walsh of Kenneth in the 212 – “one of the country’s most recognized LGBT blogs” – which recently featured a picture of me (CLICK HERE FOR MY KINTHE212 SELF-PROMOTION FEST) reminded us yesterday that it was Rob Lowe’s 50th birthday (CLICK HERE). I was busy being sick and feeling sorry for myself, so I missed it. BUT, If I looked like Rob Lowe, I’d admit I was – uhm – my age. Yeah. That’s it. I hear Mr. Lowe is publishing a second volume of memoir. Let me know when he publishes the one with the stories about getting bored with how easy it was to get any woman he wanted so he hooked up with another couple of straight guys because it was a challenge. I want to hear about the night he spent with Matt Dillon. And I’m betting there’s a sex tape of Lowe being Cruised – if you know what I mean. Did you see The Outsiders?
And speaking of groups full of unacknowledged, wink and a nod homo-eroticism – Dancing With The Stars returned last night. I can’t help it. I want Derek Hough. I also wouldn’t mind being the meat – albeit thin sliced – in a Chmerkovskiy brothers sandwich. Now, here’s the thing about last night (see how I get ANOTHER Rob Lowe reference in there?) Mark Ballas hair is almost as ridiculous as … Mark Ballas. I’m sorry, I really REALLY try not to be snarky about celebrities, but, when it comes to Mark, well, ever since I heard he and Derek bought a house together … he’s fair game. Not only was his hair ridiculous, but he – raging homosexual living in a love nest with my Derek – is partnered with Candace Cameron something or other, religious fanatic and sister to nutjob-homophobe Kirk Cameron. Ugh. You might think that homophobe and homohidden receiving higher scores than Derek – who, after winning five times has now been assigned a partner with two prosthetic lower limbs – might have been the low point of the evening, but you would be wrong. THAT would have been when poor Billy Dee Williams – once so beautiful, once so smooth – tried to dance. It was NOTHING LESS than elder abuse. Horrific. If he hadn’t beaten his wife, I’d feel sorry for him. However, he did, and he survived co-starring with Diana Ross – so, I’m pretty sure he’ll be fine, and also pretty sure his sorry, criminal ass will be kicked off the first week. NOW … if we can just use this new “audience votes to re-assign pros and partners” thing to hook Derek up with Olympic Gold Winning Charlie White, which will inevitably expose their already ongoing affair (P.S. What was with that cutting to some blond woman in the audience during the Charlie White after dance segment? WTF?) thus breaking up the happy home of Derek and Mark, thus forcing Mark to turn to Candace for spiritual guidance, thus forcing her to bring in brother Kirk to advise Mark, thus bringing on the inevitable sexual liaison between Mark and Kirk – and it is HAPPY ENDS for everyone! Except Erin Andrews who – well, sorry, I just don’t like her. That voice grates on my nerves. And while it is difficult to be more annoying than the fired Brooke Burke-Charvet, somehow, she achieved it.
It says something about HOW SICK I was yesterday and how annoying I found Candace and Erin and Billy on DWTS that when Teen Wolf came on I was almost too exhausted to feel sexually excited by Evil-Stiles. Almost.
AND FINALLLLLLLLLLLLY … somehow my clicks keep climbing. I don’t know who you are out there, but I have broken records every day for the last three days and I am really grateful that anyone gives a fuck about what I think type post say … so, thanks.
P.S. Secret … two of the pictures posted today are of my past liaisons . . . yes, of course, Derek is one of them … guess the other?