Digressions, Obsessions, Confession. Today’s 2nd Post


It’s a snow day here and I meant this morning’s blog, The Mourning After, (CLICK HERE TO READ) to be it for today’s Charlie Smith endless webflow. I meant to spend the remainder of the day writing and reading. I meant. Instead, after finishing the post, I determined that I ought go ahead and shovel the driveway and walkways and clean off the cars and get that out of the way.


I hate shoveling snow. One of the very best things about leaving behind the life I left behind was that all the shoveling and such it had always fallen on me to do, would no longer be mine to do.


In that old life, so depressed was I by its end, I would shovel with intense fury in the hopes I’d become one of those news stories about middle aged men dropping dead from shoveling snow.


And for a while I lived in a place where it was done by someone else, a service. But I am once again living in a situation where the shoveling needs to be done and I feel as if I ought to do it. So, I do. I don’t know how many inches I took care of  – some say three, some say five, some say eight – I am terrible with measurements, numbers, distances, directions, anything at all mathematical or having to do with formula is just not my thing – so, whatever the size, beside the point – what matters is the EFFECT it has on me. Those were some heavy, wet, clumping, stubborn damn inches and I am exhausted from the effort. But, I suppose, since I didn’t go to the gym, it was a good thing for me to make the effort to clear away something other than my own hubris, that feeling that I MUST somehow figure everything out – am MEANT to figure EVERYTHING out – like, for example . . .


Pavel Lebedev, right, with his boyfriend, Kirill Kalugin. Lebedev says that he has been violently attacked six times in the previous year. In spite of the danger, he insists on his right to be open about his sexuality and to choose whom he loves.

Pavel Lebedev, right, with his boyfriend, Kirill Kalugin. Lebedev says that he has been violently attacked six times in the previous year. In spite of the danger, he insists on his right to be open about his sexuality and to choose whom he loves.

I cannot get past this whole Olympics/Sochi/Russia-Institutionalized Homophobia thing and it is driving me nuts. Please read the article accompanying this Mads Nissen photo from Mother Jones BY CLICKING HERE

There are others – many others with far more organized minds than have I – thinking about it too. Like Harvey Fierstein, who Tweeted:

I was thinking about going to Russia next week but then I remembered something – my dignity.

Exactly. And the arguments – pro going and con going – are coming – for the most part – from people who SINCERELY BELIEVE they are doing the right thing. In most cases these are not homophobic people. Or, rather, their homophobia is un-detected within them. They would not consider themselves homophobic. They would be horrified to realize that a culture of hate and bigotry HAD, in fact, influence their behavior. I have dealt with good, loving, well-intentioned people who were – at core, to some degree – homophobic. I have been treated by people who truly loved me and knew I identified as homosexual in ways that were homophobic. I have had people who dearly loved me, after the fact, allow homophobic cultural tropes to color their words and stories about me. People I trusted . . .


Truth About Trust. . . the seeming “betrayal” of those trusts, the abdication of those loves for convenience, self-serving expediency, cash – I have yet to figure out the formula. But, again, I am not good at math. Or, apparently, trust. There are just some places I would never go and things I would never do because the people involved have been unkind to those I love; I call that loyalty. You don’t sell out your friends for dollars. And if you are the kind of person who DOES, then you don’t justify it. You own it. But, you see, it’s never that black and white . . . and so this article in The Millions by Maria Popova, The Psychology of Trust in Life, Learning, and Love, (CLICK HERE TO READ, PLEASE?!) really caught my attention and, damn it if I’m not going to have to buy yet ANOTHER book; the one discussed in the article, The Truth About Trust by David DeSteno, PhD. Crap. The pile keeps getting bigger . . .


. . . that pile. I need to get to it NOW. There is reading to be done and those 200 books aren’t going to read themselves. And, there is truth to be found. And trust to TRY again to understand and  . . . well, at least the driveway is shoveled. That, I managed.

One thought on “Digressions, Obsessions, Confession. Today’s 2nd Post

  1. Pingback: … no words … | herewearegoing

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