… my starbucks order … one bleach, straight up, please w/an 11 o’clock ballad chaser…

alone2I am lonely.

As I said, having some difficulty MOVING. I FINALLY went to my P.O. box yesterday – to which I had NOT gone since October – and the longer I did NOT go, the more terrified I became of what would be there. My car insurance was canceled. Only for a week. I actually managed to call and get reinstated yesterday. Well, after sitting in Starbucks for two hours reading a New York Times someone had left behind and trying not to cry. Which was made worse because some man tried to pick me up.

DC Jan 2014 3 NY Times Press Seat at White HouseFew things about that; he was incredibly unattractive and I couldn’t quite see why he would think that a fellow like me – dressed in my really nice(ish) jeans and NY-y sweater and “fuck off” leather jacket and HUGE scarf obscuring half my face, the other half hidden by my enormous “I am a smart hipster” look like I’m in the remake of “The Fly” black-framed glasses – would be interested in him. AND WORSE – his conversational gambit was – “Do you mind if I read that Frederick News-Post?” It was beside the Times. WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD I MIND AND WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD I EVER WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH SOMEONE WHO MADE THAT CHOICE OF READING MATERIAL? He kept trying to make conversation and I kept smiling politely and trying HARDER not to cry until finally I just gathered all my shit and left. He followed me out. REALLY? THIS IS THE BEST YOU CAN DO UNIVERSE?

I have had enough. What I need is a DRINK. Maybe with Patti LuPone. Right?

LuPone Patti drinking bleach

Fuck this shit. Perfectly HORRIBLE people I PERSONALLY know who DESERVE to be alone are JOINED with perfectly LOVELY people. I – on the other hand – have spent a life too often attached (BY WHICH I MEAN – hanging on for dear life, begging them to love me, see me, accept me, not hide me ) to perfectly AWFUL people –


– and those awful people are perfectly happy and in love and skipping through life while I am having dreams about having become this crazy old man living in a mansion by a river watching out through the window for ships sailing by.

I’d rather be sailing.

And Verizon just called me and NO, they will NOT help. They suggest I call Samsung. And I have to go pick up my Mom and run her around and pretend I am happy. Because she is a mess. Still. Poor thing.  Fuck. I have been drowning for so long, how am I still breathing?

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