… bite on this zeit … techno-torture … Toshiba, Verizon, and Google; OH MY!

I hate technology.

MY LAPTOP: I am typing this on a Toshiba Satellite L655 laptop (I probably shouldn’t share that as I am sure someone will now have all the info they need to remote-invade me – but – TOO LATE, I bet) that operates so slowly and freezes up so often, I am pretty certain it must be running in the background some super-secret bot driven spamming controlled by someone via super-computer located in some Slavic-fascist state program. I use Mozilla Firefox (and have for years) to try to avoid this type of invasion and when the thing gets really slow I check my task manager thing-y and despite the fact that the ONLY thing I am running is Firefox and only thing I’m doing web-surfing there are more than 70 processes running – including Explorer – which I thought Mozilla/Firefox being my default was supposed to kill? – and my CPU usage is at 90% and physical memory at 95% and HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE when I’m doing nothing but browsing and have only one window open? And I NEVER wanted Titanium whatever protection but it keeps telling me it’s out of date and go here to update and – well – then all of a sudden it turns out Microsoft has been downloading updates and now is going to automatically turn me off to re-start me to impose these updates on me and … holy fuck. I just want to write my novels, ghostwrite other people’s blogs and ad copy, Tweet, read literary and New York City and art sites, and occasionally, just every once in a while, look at a naked man or two. WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?

MY PHONE: My so-called smart phone is a Samsung Galaxy S3 with which I have been – off and on – mostly in love since I got it except for its tiny little virtual keyboard requiring a digital dexterity I have yet to achieve; one’s fingers must be perfectly aimed and angled to hit certain letters and while I have ALWAYS prided myself on my nice, thin, LONG fingers – fingers of such finesse and nimble-know-how they have moved people to screams and tears (Get your mind out of the gutter – I mean my gesturing whilst acting and singing) – I am seemingly incapable of typing a Tweet or text on my cell phone without a typo – and I long ago turned off the auto-correct which was NEVER smart enough to know what I was talking about. With my last not-so-smart phone I could text with the breakneck, full-tilt, I’m gonna die tomorrow speed of a teen – with this one, not so much. And yesterday, it – IT being some combination of Verizon and Google I guess – decided to download a new operating system (I think?) update and when it was done, all my ring and message tones had changed, as had my background and message setting defaults. WHAT THE ACTUAL FREAK IS YOUR PROBLEM? It took me HOURS to figure out that the chirping in this house where I’m sitting – for which I had looked EVERYWHERE – was coming from my phone and had been a desperate friend MESSAGING ME who now thought I was dead because I had not responded. OF COURSE I HADN’T – I’M NOT A FREAKING BIRD – I DON’T RESPOND TO CHIRPS!

MY PHONE AGAIN: BUT the real reason I hate my Samsung GalaxyS3 (though, in fact, I do love it – shit – now I have the same thing going on with my phone as I do with – never mind) is because IT WILL NOT CHARGE! I mean, when first we met and those ensuing, blissful honeymoon years, all I had to do was plug my little (little being relative – it gets the job done!) USB cord into the SGS3 orifice and BAM, sooner rather than later, my baby was purring at full-power, charged for a day (maybe an exaggeration – okay – so sometimes I had to plug it in more than once a day ). NOW – its orifice has somehow grown looser or my plug has grown shorter or smaller or something and it requires all this wriggle and jiggle and force and angle and cord-wrapping and I will be thinking all is well and it is charging only to find that all that juice flowing has done NOTHING. (wow – typing that is AGAIN reminding me of the same problem I am having with – never mind) I know I have to go to Verizon to have it looked at – serviced – whatever – and I know it’s a common issue because I Googled it – BUT I AM EMBARRASSED IT HAS HAPPENED TO ME. And no, I do NOT want to upgrade to the SGS4. I love this phone. I don’t want to learn ANOTHER one. DAMN DAMN DAMN technology.

AND VERIZON: And going to Verizon is like entering into Dante’s circles of hell. It always takes hours. I am always almost arrested for assault. I always leave feeling I have been taken advantage of, knowing I have spent money I feel as if I shouldn’t have had to spend, and convinced that this POWERLESSNESS I am feeling is metaphor for living in the modern age and I need to FURTHER withdraw from the techno-grind and grid-dependency. I am ruined for DAYS after a trip into a Verizon store. And I feel like a bad person because I inevitably start writing some short-story about kidnapping and torturing smart-ass, superior, snarky-sneering phone-store employees.

Technology. Which I hate. And love. It makes it possible for me to stay more and more hidden away in my house (or, whoever’s house I’m in at the time)and still be in touch with reality – WELL – perhaps – not REALITY so much; never been much in touch with that – okay – in touch with what’s happening in the world. On the other hand, technology also makes it possible for what’s happening in the world to reach me wherever I am hiding out, so, yeah, that.

All dichotomy, all the time.

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