… if that’s the best we can do … but it’s not … being better …

I am making a serious effort to re-shape my thinking. I have actively begun countering negative thoughts and patterns with positive and happy memories and imaginings. For example;

Last night I received an anonymous message comprised of one word; “Loser.” In the past, I might have engaged the sender, tried to lecture and pointed out how sad a life and etcetera. Last night, after about five minutes of saying to myself, “Stop brooding” – which is, itself, a negative rather than positive command, I realized it might be more powerful to suggest to myself that I “start” rather than “stop” something.

So, I did. I actively began recalling times in my life where I received the message of “Winner” by way of people’s actions or words. I started a memory chain of applause I’d received while on stage; of people who had sought out my touch, my hugs, my advice; of times when I had sat quietly next to someone, hand holding, my arm being gently caressed in that “I’m here” way; times in jobs where I was promoted; places where I am sure of the way; on and on.

While doing this – I realized how INFREQUENTLY in my life I have done this and how my brain is SO ACCUSTOMED to agreeing with those who would reject and judge me as “loser” that trying to cultivate these “affirming” memories made me feel guilty of conceit and hubris; the little Catholic boy inside me was nearly in tears and definitely in fear of being punished, feeling like I was doing something wrong.

Which resulted in me realizing that almost ALL my relationships in my entire LIFE have been built on this foundation of feeling “wrong” and a “loser” who was (is) being done a favor by ANYONE – no matter how abusive, heinous, thoughtless, selfish, manipulative – loving me; and that I have ALWAYS lived in fear they would soon enough discover I was “loser” and – quite rightly – depart, despise, disown me.

And the further realization that I don’t have to accept that, I don’t have to play that role, and this is all my decision – and always has been – I am in NO WAY AT ALL holding anyone else responsible for the way I felt – I do not think anyone I know with whom I have had unhappy ends did anything other than the best they could and if I was hurt, that is on me and about my translation of things, not on them.

But, I’m moving on – which doesn’t mean you call the people with whom you had the unhappy ends – it means you focus your energy elsewhere, in other ways, and try to let go of the fear-heart. SO … what happened? Well, today I got a PERSONAL PRIVATE tour of the WHITE HOUSE (yes, THAT White House) about which I will tell more later when the pics get forwarded to me, and I have received TWO NEW requests from NEW PEOPLE for dog/house sitting gigs.

So, yeah . . .  an agent and a romance can’t be far behind, right?

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