So many memories of past Christmas days. I have exhausted myself. With remembering. With trying not to. I am depleted, sapped, lost in reveries and lost in the “why”? And, my friends, the “why” becomes ever so much more difficult to ask – let alone answer – when there is nothing left in which one believes. And so, I must be on my way, from one empty house to another today, where I sleep with lovely dogs who do not really belong to me in beds that are not mine.
But the blessing is, these empty houses are full of the energies of people who love me. I am deeply, truly loved and seen by some deeply, truly blessedly wonderful people. That is a great gift. And sometimes, it is enough – and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS I am grateful to be loved and seen, but, still, there are those times when:
So tired. Really. Of “why”? And the same mistakes. And being that one that isn’t that one. Ah well I am still a man very lucky in his life and in the people who have loved me as dear, dear friend . . . and so what if the moon does not belong to me; even so, I so, so, want to believe . . . and I try hard to pretend I believe the heart that has been broken will be stronger when it mends . . . hang on to that rainbow . . .