Been doing a lot of energy re-direction lately and part of it is to interrupt sorrow – not to deny it – but to assuage it and let go of it because somewhere in my journey I learned the habit of sadness, of believing in the unhappy end, and so, it takes time and effort to UNdo that. So, I’ve been really focusing on the things I love and joys I have known. For example:
Dogs. Love dogs. Love dogs who are devoted, who want to sit with me always, always have me in sight, those dogs who slept with me each night and needed to be pressed against me and licked me awake in the mornings.
Getting lost in a book. I love the immersion. The finding that the day (morning, afternoon, evening) is gone – disappeared into some wonderfully transporting piece of literature.
Finding wonderful new singers and songs. Since my youthful devotion to Judy Garland, then Kay Thompson, then Mahalia Jackson, then Eydie Gorme, then Liza Minnelli, then the first real OBSESSION – Miss Barbra Streisand – racing against my friends to be the FIRST to get each new album and collect all the old ones (in the days before the internet this was ALMOST impossible around here) – and then the Broadway years; discovering Miss Barbara Cook and oh when Patti LuPone and Betty Buckley and Bernadette Peters and holy shit – JENNIFER HOLLIDAY – came along and then – then, dear lord, when AUDRA MC DONALD and ALICE RIPLEY and EMILY SKINNER and LAUREN KENNEDY and DONNA MURPHY and CAROLEE CARMELLO and . . . along the way my cabaret and dead woman obsessions with Karen Akers and Billie Holiday and Ethel Waters and Julie Wilson and … oh when I discovered Miss Bette Midler and learned about bath houses and … I LOVE MUSIC
AND MUSICALS . . . can not even … but Stephen Sondheim and William Finn and Jason Robert Brown . . . okay?
AND sleeping in Libertytown in the winter . . . the freezing cold rooms and being tucked under piles of quilts and an electric blanket. I keep my room cold EVEN NOW so I can recreate this.
AND New York. So many wonderful trips – and another one in just a few days.
AND unexpected ridiculous liaisons with people far too beautiful for me.
AND friendships with people far too brilliant and kind for me.
AND that I can cook like I cook – which is just some freakish accident – and that I LOVE cooking SO MUCH and doing it for people I love THRILLS ME.
AND being smart. I am so fucking smart. (This is one of those double edged sword things)
AND being so ridiculously boundary and protective wall free. So what if it hurts sometimes? I am still STILL DAMMIT happy I let everyone in and trust everyone – and you know what – I’m going to do it EVEN MORE and let go of my fear and anger and resentment about when it didn’t work out – so what.
I LOVE … these things – and now, to sleep (maybe) and I hope ANOTHER dream in which I get a literary agent – it was such a cool dream – can’t wait for it to come true.