Call me Goldilocks. Always sleeping in someone else’s bed. No, not like that. I mean house-sitting. And when I’m house-sitting I sit alone and sleep alone. Actually, I pretty much always sleep alone. When I’m in a bed with someone it isn’t usually – ever – about sleeping so much. In any event, the point is – was – somewhere – I have been sleeping in some pretty beautiful places – alone, of course – and wishing I had my OWN place like these to which I might some day invite someone – which is another long, sad story – but, the point is – I can’t invite people to OTHER people’s houses. So, I enjoy these nights in these rooms made from love – like these below:

benton-chase bath 1 benton-chase bath 3 benton-chase bed 2Yeah, Goldilocks indeed. Or, well, once upon a time I  might have been called that, when I had long locks and they were gold. Now, I keep my hair cropped short in a misguided and failed attempt to approach Anderson Cooper/Andy Cohen gay-zeit-status. Not going as well as I’d hoped. Perhaps it’s not the haircut but the television platform and personal trainer that make the man? I’ve been thinking a great deal about what it is that attracts people and what particular combination of things I am missing. For years I worried about my gaypeal being low because the only organ I had that was oversized was my brain. Not alone in that fear:

However, Patrick, you should maybe trick with a couple of guys, because it has been my experience the experience of a friend that tricking guys during moments of passion will frequently tell you – when their mouths are not full, or, semi-full anyway – that your balls are huge or your dick is thick or big when I my friend knows perfectly well that is not really the case. But, then again, that would be another documentary since Patrick is, it seems, straight. A label that I my friend can tell you from experience does not really apply as much as many purportedly heterosexual men would insist in public. And I am not alone in wondering why.

Speaking of popular words on gay-hookup sites, what the fuck? Having read a lot of posts on various sites I my friend has gotten disgusted with all the “isms” used to pre-filter responses. The admonitions of “No Blacks” or “No Fats” or “No Old Guys” or “Asians Only” or “8+ only” or – my his FAVORITE – “MASCULINE ONLY” or “STRAIGHT GUYS EXPERIMENTING ONLY” – and other equally ludicrous exercises in label-mania which extend to demands for qualifications hilariously unlikely to EVER be met from fellows RIDICULOUSLY un-situated to REQUEST such things – to outright, blatant ageist, racist, bodyist, homophobic, self-hating bullshit – so vile and so foul it has made me my friend abandon the sites – even as a source of amusement.

Maybe I’m on the wrong sites?

Here’s Kenneth Walsh’s (my pretend buddy) article about Grindr vs Jack’d (CLICK HERE) and here’s the article at the Fortune site to which he linked about this new hook-up app (CLICK HERE). And here is the Jack’d site (CLICK HERE).

Goldilocks . . . once upon a time
Goldilocks . . . once upon a time

So, where was I and why did I write this? Oh, right, I’m Golidlocks-ing, sleeping around – ALONE – in other people’s homes and burnt out by the quest for company and affection in which I have my friend has been engaged for the past while. I wonder if I’d known when I was more Golidlocks what I know now – what I might have done differently? But, that’s not REALLY the question, is it? No. The question bothering me is what do I do now? What does “alone” really mean? Because in some very fundamental, basic ways I have been “alone” for all of my life. There is no one now and there has been no one for a very long time with whom I could share the “most” of me, the “least” of me, the “best” of me, and the “worst” of me – let alone the “short” and the “thick” of me. And for years, I was deluded and deceived (for which I have only myself to thank) into thinking I could share parts of me, could share my dreams, could believe my back was had  – if not rubbed – because, let’s face it, I’ve always been the one doing the rubbing. But if they did have my back, it was only because they wanted unfettered access when it came time to stab me in it. Still have the scars.

Enough. Blah blah blah with the self pitying shit, Goldilocks. Time to find what I want for me and what I want is someone who can share with me my most least best worst short and thick without ism’s or ist’s and DAMMIT TO HELL I want no beds or hearts too hard too soft or too anything else BUT INSTEAD FOR ONCE IN MY FUCKING LIFE LET ME HAVE SOMETHING “JUST RIGHT”.

Happy weekend.