Well, I gave in to my – whatever it was last night – that combination of hurt feelings and ennui and frustration and fury into which I fall that sends me into those paroxysms of “CRAZY” and had two glasses of wine and took another of my now frequent late night walks and yet – well – read on.
Here’s the thing – or – here are the things, without going too much into detail:
1) MY ADDICTIONS: Chemical/Diet change. My greatest concern when I quit smoking in June was that I would gain weight. I didn’t. But I did spiral into a really intense and terrifying and friend distancing depression. This was exacerbated by an increase in drinking after I quit smoking, an increase I – idiot that I am – did not recognize as me substituting one addiction for another. So, I also cut the Tequila and way back on wine and beer long around July/August. More chemical changes. All this time, I have been hitting the gym religiously, and have, somehow, managed to replace cigarettes and tons of alcohol with daily hours at gym.
2) BUT I STILL HADN’T LOST WEIGHT: And, in fact, I had gained a pound in the last few weeks. So, I took inventory of my DREADFUL eating habits and my TWO glasses of wine a night and said: ENOUGH. And I have begun a new diet with a diet buddy. We’ve cut out most white sugar and flour, most unhealthy carbs, red meat (we had very little anyway) and cut out ALL alcohol and Dunkin Donuts, as well as ANYTHING after 7pm. Well, I lost a few pounds the first day (water weight, I know) then gained a half pound back and – you know how it goes –
3) PEOPLE ARE CHANGING: I’ve always been a canary in the mineshaft, a reliable predictor of what others will sooon be going through or feeling. Thus, no surprise that I am not the only one going through existential questioning and what seems to be a fundamental re-ordering of priorities and shake-up of beliefs. As in, everyone (mostly) I know is a little “off” and “crazy” and “distant” and “inside” themselves right now: we are all less reachable – and that is a difficult thing. It is difficult because one feels isolated enough in life without that feeling deepening, and too, feeling that the others one knows are withdrawing FROM you as well; hard times and to a person like me, it reads as disapproval which feels like rejection which makes me withdraw further and distrust and ache – which is about ME, I know, not about anyone else.
SO – last night, after the day and the night I had of “CRAZY” – I tried to get a grip by taking a LOOOOOOONG walk around the neighborhood in the evening (and was ALMOST hit by a man in a pick-up truck – now THAT would have been some hilariously apt ironic ending, right?) but by 10pm – I was STILL a nutcase and so I had a glass of wine. Then, at 11, I had another. The wine – of course – not only DIDN’T make me less crazy, it resulted in an email argument AND guilt for having given in.
THEN – I went to bed by midnight. I woke, of course, at 3am – the wine-effect – and I had a HORRENDOUS backache – again. Took some ibuprofen, tried to get back to sleep – FAIL – I tossed and turned until I surrendered to the demands of the pain at 6am and got up. Crooked and limping again. WTF? I am SO careful at the gym; so cognizant of my age and my skeletal weaknesses and those parts of my body I have damaged in the past, building them up with light weights and work, NEVER doing the heavy weight jerking – and I really do listen to my body as I’m exercising.
MAYBE: It is these EARLY EVENING and LATE NIGHT walks I am taking? I wander the neighborhood (and back roads) by myself, just exploring and looking at the stars and trying to walk out my stuff – because I get too restless to stay inside – I need to roam. But, I am doing so in my Chucks. So, maybe that’s it? Also, my gym shoes are – I know at least – five or six years old. I can’t afford new shoes at this point, so, maybe I’ll go to Wal-Mart and contribute to the inequities of the economy here and internationally and get those inserts they’re always advertising?
Don’t know, but I’m sitting here waaaaaay too early with waaaaaaay too little sleep and waaaaaay too much back pain and I get on the scale … BAM. I went a pound UNDER my first goal weight! So, maybe the key to my weight loss is body pain, sleeplessness, and MORE WINE MORE WINE MORE WINE!?!?