So … it wasn’t enough for the day to be what the day was already, as I described in the last post, when echoes of people past came hurtling at me and though I thought I had DEALT with it, well, I found myself sort of torn up and singing eleven o’clock ballads in my car on the way to (and from) the gym.
Why is it that when people you REALLY love and trust tell you that some people you thought you loved and trusted had long been lying to you, talking about you behind your back, had NEVER been trust or love-worthy – it is so devastatingly hard to believe?
And WHY did I put my complete trust in SO MANY people who SO EASILY and HAPPILY fucked me over?
And so, okay, I was dealing, I am writing, I am copy-editing, I am moving along, I am getting increasingly private and have learned not to talk about projects and such … and thought I had learned to stop measuring myself by bogus social norms and cultural biases … and then BAMFUCKINGBAM.
This sentence in response to a question from me along the lines of, “Why are you spending all this time with me?”
Answer: “Just bc we have so much in common. And you’re really funny and smart and you just sort of get everything. But, you’re totally not my type. I have no intensions of getting physical.”
Let’s IGNORE the fact he misspelled INTENTIONS. I mean, REALLY? I am SO FUCKING SICK of guys LOVING me and USING me to BUILD THEM UP and then telling me some variation of “yeah, but not that way.”
It makes me want to eat and drink – and BREAK THIS FUCKING DIET – and then I see this – a burger with a bun made of fried macaroni and cheese. I am just going to forget about my goal weight and body re-shaping through exercise, drink like a fish, and deal with never being attractive – I mean – I can’t get anew face (unlike some people I’ve known, all the really hateful people have AT LEAST two faces) and if the nerdy, gym-rat with the intense intellect and the surprisingly tight yet not screaming body isn’t going to be ATTRACTIVE to people – I should at least get to eat and drink whatever the FUCK I WANT!