The Jonas Brothers are doing OUTMagazine. This is being covered EVERYWHERE from the Huffington Post to The Daily Mail to Dlisted to one of my favorite daily sites, Kenneth in the 212 ((I wrote about Kenneth Walsh just a few days ago – CLICK HERE to read that entry)).
The news is NOT that Nick or Joe or the other one have come out, but, rather, that they haven’t and how much they love their gay fans. Look people, I’ve already outed Joe and Nick at least twice – once in April ((CLICK HERE)) and then again in August ((CLICK HERE)) when I also discussed Nick’s bisexuality. People keep asking me about the other one, the one with the bad hair and the smallest dick who is married to some beard, but, I can’t be bothered with him – did you see that hair and that jaw line? No. Can’t do it. Well, actually, I COULD do it if the other two would only let me do them if I did him – but … where was I?
Oh, right, nowhere. I just thought that OUTMagazine and Kenneth Walsh talking about the JoBros was a good excuse for me to put out some more of my private photos of them, and feed my unhealthy obsession.
In any event, they need a new publicist. If they want to stay relevant, if they want to lead rather than follow a trend, this is absolutely the time for them to come out. Joe is clearly primarily gay; Nick is probably primarily hetero but enjoys being trade – who doesn’t like having a grateful circuit boy licking and worshipping all over your body? And those twinks have the best drugs too. I don’t know what the third brother does, and no one cares, unless we have to watch him doing it so we see the other two – but … where was I?
Right. My unhealthy JoBro obsession.
Excuse my muddy thinking; I started the new health diet this week. Bad enough I quit smoking in June. Bad enough I cut out Tequila in June. Even badder I have cut back on wine and beer too. Badder still that unless I spend at least 90 minutes at the gym every day I feel guilty. Now, I have cut back on caffeine, carbs, sugar and white flour, and am drinking spinach for breakfast, eating endless salads, and seriously curbing my caloric intake so I might FINALLY, SOMEHOW lose this weight I thought would drop off with my obsessive gymming.
I want to look good when Joe and Nick come calling – (and maybe the other one, but who cares about him) – by which I mean, when the restraining order from their lawyer arrives and I can sell my story to the Star Magazine. I can see the headline now; “How Nick and Joe Jonas Broke My Heart” – or, “Double Penetrated by Jonas Brother Pain” – now that’s a headline.