… sebastian and charlie … a hate story …

{P.S. Before I start – how the HELL did I get so many hits yesterday? And why am I so ridiculously popular in the Czech Republic, Slovakia, France, and the U.K.? I’ve a feeling it has to do with that damn picture of a Calvin Klein clad penis. Really? Is that all I’m good for? Hmmph … I’ll have to let my friend Sebastian answer about that.}

What is the point of having multiple personalities if one is denied the benefit one receives from the compartmentalization?

Despite my admiration for Joanne Woodward in “The Three Faces of Eve” and Sally Field in “Sibyl“, I ALWAYS suspected the whole “multiples” thing was a big sham. As it turned out, it was (is). BELIEVE ME, if dissociating into disconnected personalities who live independent lives, unaware of one another was a possibility, I would LONG AGO have broken into many different pieces. But, then again, I barely can maintain one independent life, so how the fuck would I ever manage multiples?

That said, I know some people who have ruthlessly segregated parts of themselves – like their humanity, kindness, and conscience – so that they might operate by a code of dubious morality from which perch they re-cast the past and lie with ease about themselves and others, traipsing through their nasty little delusional lives entirely guilt-free.

Now, far be it from me to sit on my own delusional perch of dubious accomplishment and morality and judge them. Nope. Not this guy. So, it only made sense that when I saw with what EASE they continued to throw others (me, actually) under the bus and lie about me (actions speak louder than words but words libel – cliché alert) I thought, “Well, why can’t I disengage from my own sense of right and wrong and good and bad and smart and stupid? I mean, if THEY can do it, well, I can do it TEN TIMES as well.”

Little problem, I couldn’t turn to daily drugging of myself to accomplish it as I suspected they had. Funny what endless infusion of chemical to the brain will lead a person to do – but, I knew my addictive personality, and while it might have been okay for them to ingest daily doses of THC and Zolpidem and Pregabalin and Molly and whatever the fuck else they were having prescribed or could get their hands on, buying from dealers, and pretending they weren’t permanently altered by – I, Charlie, have that “keep on taking it/drinking it/smoking it until you drive into a telephone pole” gene and was already deeply enmeshed in trying to maintain my no nicotine and less alcohol status.

What to do? Easy! Create ANOTHER person who could do all the things Charlie couldn’t. And so, Sebastian was born.

Sebastian brideshead2mos468x576ab2Sebastian was born in the U.K. and ten years later than Charlie. Since he’s lived in this country for so long, Sebastian’s accent rarely comes out, and he doesn’t talk much – not big on telling people about his teddy-bear carrying past or about the Mr. Ryder who broke his heart when he was younger. What Sebastian can do that I can’t is to interact with others in a completely selfish way, worried only about his own pleasure, unconcerned with making actual, long-term, emotional connections. He is bolder, far more confident, slightly more attractive somehow, and almost entirely without conscience or shame. Unlike Charlie, he does NOT contemplate, he rarely speaks, and he NEVER writes – particularly long, introspective, discursive, TMI swaths of what seem to be personally revelatory essays which are, in large part, fictional – if one uses the current definition of “fiction” (which, of course, Charlie – I mean, I, would NOT – I don’t really believe in fiction or non-fiction – I believe that everything is spin and the only truth is in the emotional content behind language and action – BUT THAT IS ANOTHER STORY AND WHY MY FUCKING HEART IS BROKEN SO I’M NOT GOING THERE TODAY GODDAMMIT) –

What? Where was I? Who am I? Oh, right. Sebastian. Charlie would be terribly in love with Sebastian’s wounds. Sebastian would be rightfully terrified of Charlie’s ability to see into him. It would be ugly.brideshead love scene

It is, in fact, ugly, because, you see, someone has seen Charlie in Sebastian, and while it is far too complicated to go into and no real names are involved (or, even, known) – the two are fucking bleeding into each other – or bleeding fucking into each other – or bloody fucking bleeding into each other or – SOMETHING.


Charlie is crazy. He thinks too much. All you need to know is nothing. None of this is any of your bloody fucking business. Here’s the only kind of message I want to get – someone sent it to me last week:

Sept 2013

If you’ve got something to say, that’s how you say it. Now shut the fuck up Charlie and go to the gym – I got a new boyfriend there I’m working on if I can just get you out of the way.

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