… Zeit-bites Zeitems Wednesday … in case the chickens & men in John Deere hats get me …

ZEITEM 1: IT’S FAIR DAY!

Wouldn’t it be uber-cool if “FAIR DAY meant the world was suddenly this righteous place where justice ruled and all the injustices one had suffered were undone? Yeah. Well … instead …

I live in Frederick, Maryland. Each September comes “The Great Frederick Fair” to town at which are displayed livestock and produce and cookery and 4H-y things in competition for ribbons and accolades. At the grandstand each night happen demolition derbies and Beach Boy concerts – not at once, and not that the two are that unlike one another. Such a huge deal is this fair that the Frederick County Public School System gives its students Friday off. Fair Day. I went as a child. Until I didn’t. Which was long about the time puberty hit and I realized what it meant that I never got invited to be one of the people in the cliques who went to the Fair (and everywhere/anywhere else) together. Once I realized that it was not coincidental that I was never included in such outings, and FINALLY (god, it took me forever) understood that my happy little plan about going alone and meeting up/running into people was ALWAYS going to fail (same thing happened later in life at bars and parties – and that took me EQUALLY as long to figure out) – I just started staying home and reading. Almost. All. The. Time.hot hat deere

Well, last year, my great pal, A (ANOTHER A) asked me to go – just for lunch. And she is very persuasive. And she promised to protect me. And so, after what must have been at least three decades of blessedly AVOIDING the Fair, I returned. To the Great Frederick Fair. Wish I could tell you it was a triumphal “HELLO, DOLLY!” Harmonia Gardens-esque moment – but, I had a ham sandwich. Which is – in itself – always a good thing in my world. Anyway, today, I am going again. For lunch. A will want to see the chickens and I will be hoping that the fellow I saw a week ago in the men’s hair cut place – the guy wearing the John Deere cap and logo-ed shirt and really tight redneck jeans with the chain-wallet, the guy who looked at me and then turned around and did it again on his way out the door like we were meeting drunk under a mirror ball – I’m hoping to see him and offer a ribbon.

ZEITEM 2: ZAC WAS IN RE-HAB?

Efron Zac rehabIt has hit the press that Zefron was in re-hab. It was at first reported it had been alcohol related, but now the stories say coke and molly. While he was filming the Rogen movie about being in a frat. During which he was rarely shirted. I feel SURE we are only a year or two away from a tell-all book in which he talks about the gay sex he had for drugs. Some man somewhere has had Zac Efron’s penis – I KNOW THIS – and so, anyway – that aside – here’s the thing: he looked like THIS when he was barely able to function from drugs? Uhm …how the fuck? Clearly my plan of going each day to the gym SOBER is flawed – anyone got any molly on which you can teach me how to roll?

ZEITEM 3: MORE BOOK AWARDS? I CAN’T AFFORD IT!

TWO BOYS KISSINGSee ZEITEM 1. Having had little social life as a child (adult, decrepit aging old man) I developed into a voracious reader. Part of being a voracious reader is the accumulation of more books than you can possibly EVER read in a lifetime. This is what makes me happy. Recently, the nominees for the MAN BOOKER SHORT LIST were announced (and the whole “next year the Man Booker will allow American authors to be nominated – has got me in a FRENZY – read here)  – and I have had to start ordering them. NOW … the National Book Award lists are coming out, and already I have to have the one referred to here … “Two Boys Kissing”  – which sounds as if I will weep all the way through it. What’s reallyREALLYREALLY got me weeping is that I am about to run out of Amazon credit. DAMN THE LUCK!

ZEITEM 4: MORE RUMORS AND MISINFORMATION ABOUT ME

Yesterday, I was talking to an acquaintance in the morning. We greeted one another with a “long time, no see” hug – which, as far as my acquaintances go is a pretty positive thing because – all too OFTEN – what happens when I run into someone I haven’t seen in a while – they turn away and pretend NOT to see me because they have gone to the dark side of haters who have believed one or another spin about me and my past (present, whatever) – so, good thing. She said, “I love reading your stuff. LOVE IT.” And, a few minutes later, she said she needed to get in touch with me about something. I said I’d give her my email, she said, “Oh, that’s okay, I follow you and your stuff on Facebook.”

Except. I shut down my Facebook months ago.

Later in the day, I was visiting with another friend who is not – herself – on Facebook, and she said, “I have to ask you something. J – – – (a mutual friend) was wondering what she did to upset you because you de-friended her on Facebook. She thinks it’s because you must have found out she’s a Republican.”

Well, no. I’m not QUITE that shallow. I AM NOT ON FACEBOOK.

gif bateman 2So, friends and acquaintances – except the ones reading this just waiting for me to write an actionable sentence in which I slander or defame someone – I won’t, by the way, I told you I’d never tell anyone and even after you did what you did, I still keep my word, and soul, sorry about you having lost yours to Satan (or the Republicans) – if you DO ACTUALLY READ THIS (and, I guess, if you saw that – you must – this is all getting too Meta for me) and my name ever comes up and someone thinks I de-friended or whatever – I DID NOT. Even when i was on Facebook I had long since stopped de-friending even those who I knew detested me or had believed horrid spins on who I was. So, yeah. SPREAD THE WORD.

ZEITEM 5: JAMES, PLEASE, STOP TEASING ME …

Franco toiletFranco is at it again. This was on his Instagram account. He needs to stop. There is nothing crueler than someone who is never going to sleep with you doing that thing where they prove how cool and open minded they are by constantly waggling their stuff at you and caressing you lovingly and being all touchy-feely, uber sexual with you – SOME OF THEM (not saying you, James, or you, you know who you are) do it ON PURPOSE – checking every once in a while to MAKE SURE you are still hot for them – because it bolsters their self-esteem and they string you along with never any intention of making good on their seductive teasings. There is a special circle of hell for them.

I believe it is called “Fair Day”.

Later, friends. And, DE-friends.

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