… ten years … and not counting …

It was this weekend, ten years ago, that began the most horrifying period of my life, a tsunami of events in six months that left me eviscerated, decimated, emptied, during which I lost the only person with whom I’d ever been in love, the only person who not only allowed but encouraged me to be fully me – all of me – including waving at attractive men, and the only person who every really, truly loved me unconditionally, never seeing anything but the light in me.

I cannot believe it has been ten years. Hardly a day goes by that I do not live with part of one or all of them, that I do not mourn again, and wonder again why I was left when they have gone.

I have done nothing but fall down and fail, over and over again since then. I am a complete waste of space. And in the past few years of this decade from hell, I have been left, betrayed, slandered, and broken-hearted by people still walking and breathing in whom I placed the sort of love and trust I had shared with that trinity.

I am an idiot. I am a fuck-up. I am a loser. And I cannot believe it has been ten years. And I cannot believe I didn’t do then what I wanted to do. Jackass. If I had known what would happen in the next decade; if I had known how I’d be treated by people who claimed to love me more than anyone else in the world (they all have that in common – how funny – all of them telling me how they loved me more than anyone else and how – ultimately – I didn’t deserve it) – fuck this noise.

2 thoughts on “… ten years … and not counting …

  1. Well – I gave it a like, but like’s not the word. I too have been eviscerated. Great blog, mate.

  2. Hello i’m a french guy, like the way you write, musical choices and your stories. Ten years are only a chapter, an useful one, it is certainly not the greater, but is not the end of the book. Do the nexts better and take it to the highways of “Goncourt”!!! Hop hop hop!!!!

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