(It’s Sunday. I’m EXHAUSTED from the weekend. I wish this could be attributed to irresponsible frolicking with men who are out of my league who I tricked into spending time with me by use of witty bon mots and Tequila; alas, I barely left my house or checked social networks because there was an AMERICAN HORROR STORY: ASYLUM marathon on Friday night into Saturday morning and again Saturday night into Sunday morning – and since that is prime-trick-time and since I never bring anyone to my own home and since one can’t exactly say, “Do you mind if – while we are having cheap alcohol and perhaps a liaison in which neither of us will use our real names we ALSO watch AMERICAN HORROR STORY?” – then, well, yes, here I am … having gone almost nowhere all weekend long but my couch (well, someone else’s couch) and the gym – DAMMIT. I’d get upset about this – but, really, HONESTLY – that would be DUMB and we have bigger things about which to worry – so, yeah, DUMBRAGE – see final paragraph! NEW WORD TODAY!)
Best thing EVER: this house/pet sitting gig includes home delivery of the Sunday New York Times. All it needs to make it better is home delivery of lox and an everything bagel (or a dozen donuts) by that guy I see every day at the gym with the nearly-shaved head, who wears the McDaniel Baseball t-shirt with the cut-out, down to his rocking abs, sleeve-holes.
“Best thing ever…” Yeah. Well, no. That’s hyperbole. An enlargement, exaggeration, something I obviously know not to be the case, a rhetorical device employing intentional distortion meant to create a strong impression but not to be taken literally.
Unless, of course, it’s that kind of hyperbole used to lure and seduce people via social networks and on-line hook-up sites. Then it’s called, uhm, “everybody does it”.
(CHARLIE ASIDE: I have received a rather snarky “reminder” that periods belong INSIDE of quotation marks and parentheses, and to that I say, “It’s my fucking blog in my fucking world and I like them OUTSIDE – so, you’ll need to comfort yourself with the knowledge that I know the difference between TO, TOO, and TWO, as well as THERE, THEIR and THEY’RE, and let’s not forget ITS and IT’S”. Please. My quirky, individual, preferred use of punctuation is no one’s business but my own”.).BITE ME.
Apparently, not one man in the world who means to meet people via on-line postings has a penis less than 6.5 inches (CHARLIE ASIDE: I mean, about me, all I’m saying is – would a person with the cajones to make up his own rules of punctuation usage have a penis smaller than 6.5 inches? Think about it. And how about this period INSIDE the parentheses? Hmmmm….) DESPITE the fact that the latest study (which agrees with past studies) indicates that the AVERAGE size is, in fact, 5.6 inches. (Read it here, thank you Huffington Post.)
Hyperbole. Otherwise known as “dating”. Otherwise known as fibbing, evading, fabricating, getting your foot (or some part of your body) in the door (or some part of some body – or, somebody) so one has a chance to get to know someone after which you can tell them the truth? But, wait, isn’t this backwards? Nope.
It was ever thus, my loves. People have been preening and posing and posturing and peacocking since time began. It is only natural that it would be refined to a new level of emporer’s new clothes prinking with the just being discovered world of virtual “it’s always last call” two a.m.-ing- on-line hooking-up.
We live an a world of fables. We are all fabulists. How else to explain that we are obsessing on Ben Affleck being cast as Batman and J.D.Salinger’s posthumous book releases, while doing nothing about how the Egyptian “police” are now declaring EVERYONE who dares question or disagree with them “Radical Islamists” so that they might further abrogate due process and human rights, massacre and disappear and murder people; or, that we are doing the moral-political-outrage-twerk wind-up to start ANOTHER invasion in Syria, citing the horrendous and horrifying poison gassing of people – gassing we FUNDED – we FUNDED multiple sides of the warring parties in both of these countries – WE GIVE EVERYONE MONEY except the poor and starving people.
We’d rather fund guns and posion gas than feed or give health care to the needy. I mean, I’d like to take umbrage with the fact that men lie about the size of their dicks and their ages (CHARLIE ASIDE: of course I would NEVER do either of those things – although I do confess, I have exaggerated my I.Q. on occasion – perhaps it’s NOT after all, 500 – but, honestly, if you bought that – you deserved it – where was I?) – here’s my new word (to go with my new punctuation rules) –
DUMBRAGE: When people get upset about RIDICULOUSLY meaningless, pointless, trivial bullshit when the world around them is crumbling to dust. I.E. Twitter-trending BenAffleckBatman on the 50th anniversary of King’s March on Washington in the same year voting rights have been eviscerated by Scotus; people are being gassed in Syria; and untold thousands killed and arrested and disappeared in Egypt without due process or notice. WHAT THE FUCK?
Okay, time to read the paper, and, since shaved-head boy has yet to show up and finding someone to bring me lox and bagel isn’t likely to happen on Grindr, guess I’ll get dressed and go out to get my own.