At long last, after a few very terrible years, it feels as if I might (just might) be coming out of this horrifyingly frightening depression and isolation. Despite the love and support of some really, truly wonderful people who have done EVERYTHING (and more, and far above and beyond the call of friendship and loyalty) for me, I have felt heart-broken and completely isolated and “apart” and damaged for quite some time.
Now, the past two days, I have begun to feel these hints of being alive again. I wish I could explain better, but, when you are depressed, you lose track of your “normal” – and forget who you were. But the past two days I have found myself singing again. Yes, singing. I was standing on the street today, singing. I started to cry because I realized how long it’s been since I sang – which I used to do about 24 hours a day – in response to everything – and somehow, now, my voice is being given back to me – or, I’m finding it again.
The irony of this? When I am enjoying and loving music, it is – most often – ballad-y sadness – and with that, I have – all day today – been obsessively listening to Nancy LaMott. She was scheduled to come to Frederick and appear in concert on December 17, 1995 – my aunt Sissie’s birthday – and I was going to go. Unfortunately, she died on December 13 of that year. I love her still. Listen:
Such a genius. Sometimes, I sing too. Here is the last (I think) existing tape of me – not perfect, the last note is bad, the middle is rough – but it’s relatively connected emotionally – for my first “performance” in a few years (and it was a few years ago – I haven’t sung in public – or, at all really – in two years now again) but it’s part of who I am – have been – it’s “WHEN THERE’S NO ONE” from the failed musical, “CARRIE” – and it was given to me by my dear, dear Josh – and I hope, soon, to really have my song back again.
My dearest, longest friend, Alison Shafer, played for me that day. And my dear, Cody Weinberg, filmed. And both of them practically had to hold me up to get me through it as I had not sung for a couple of years before that day – I love them both. I love singing. I love that I just may – oh my god is it possible – feel almost alive again?
Please let this last and grow.