Here’s a funny (not so) story from today.
After the gym, feeling a bit low, I decided I would visit the Starbucks in downtown Frederick. I used to live less than a block away so I was there almost every day. I would write there. But now, well, usually I hang at the one closer to the gym if I hang at Starbucks at all. But, today, I really needed (wanted?) the downtown Frederick vibe.
So, there I am, minding my own business in the chair I like, located in the back corner. I was making some notes, then reading my Kindle, then checking Twitter, just hanging. I realize that in a nearby chair is this fellow.
This fellow. You see, it was not last summer, but the summer before, and I was hanging at Starbucks every day and this fellow and I became acquainted because he, too, was there every single day. We started talking. We started smoking together. That’s how we started talking actually because I am VERY VERY shy – I NEVER start conversations with people, I NEVER approach people – even people I know – I don’t text or call or approach FIRST, because I am always sure I am an intrusion, not wanted, bothering a life – (don’t be like me kids, this is a terrible way to live – and, too, a self-fulfilling prophecy, or so it seems of late – as in, the last five years) –
Where was I? Right, so, that summer, I saw him every day, and soon began to notice that whenever I would go out to smoke, he would come out to smoke (now I don’t smoke, and besides, no one can smoke on Starbucks property anymore) and one day, he just started talking to me. We talked, pretty much every day, for about a month. And then, he was gone. It never went anywhere outside of Starbucks smoking – and I didn’t expect it to – it was just – you know – an acquaintance sort of outside the bounds of the life you’re leading sort of casual you can be anything without the pressures of real world history etc sort of – good time.
Then, he was gone. I assumed he moved. Something. I didn’t really think much about it. Until I saw him today, from behind. So, about thirty minutes later, he moves from the chair in which he’s seated to a table – facing me – and opens up his laptop, digs in his bag and gets out the plug/charger – hooks it all up, plugs into the wall – and then – he sees me.
Our eyes meet. We stare. I didn’t smile, because I just don’t feel like smiling lately – and, honestly, it didn’t occur to me – NOR, as I said, can I EVER say anything to anyone first – so I didn’t nod or gesture or hello – but it was clear we knew each other from the way our eyes locked and then –
He pulled the plug, closed the laptop, shoved it into his (very expensive looking) messenger bag and left.
It felt personal. I mean, he’d CLEARLY intended to work or something on his laptop – and then, his eyes meet mine – and he’s gone. Like that.
I am now being rejected NOT JUST by people who have known me personally and intimately – but by mere acquaintances – even virtual strangers cannot stand to be anywhere near me.
And the funny thing is – this happened – and I forgot about it – I meant to blog it when it happened – knew I would – but earlier – blogging – it completely escaped my thought process – SO USED AM I TO BEING REJECTED, THE EPISODE JUST SKIPPED OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND.
And, there it is. And here I am. Going.