…irri-fucking-tation…head EXPLODES!

I’ll tell you, I’ve spent a lot of energy in my life trying to understand things and people and not get “angry” or upset. I’ve tried to find the deeper purpose, the hidden meaning, the initial seed of Love and Light in everything.

But here’s the thead explodinghing about to make my head EXPLODE!

Being “that person” tacitly gave others permission to treat me like shit. People have done some fairly heinous, egregious, horrid things to me, and I have pretty much kept my mouth shut. I didn’t fight back. I surrendered – and not just my pride and ego – pretty much EVERYTHING. And – being who I was – I found a reason and a way to be “responsible” for their actions. And excuse them. For decades.

So, here’s the thing: fairly awful (or thoughtless, or selfish, or deceitful, or sociopathic, or manipulative, or dishonest, or…) people have done some of those awful things in my direction – and when I DARED to say, “Hey, wait a minute . . . ” – SOMEHOW, I was not ALLOWED to object. I became the bad guybroken_heart_by_fabu because I said, “No.”

ON THE OTHER HAND – when I do something that they decide is LESS THAN OKAY to them, they are not only allowed to denigrate, judge, and punish me – they are allowed to use it – or use my calling them on their shit – as reason to disappear, to discount and discard everything else.

I’m fucking sick of it. I’m JUSTABOUTTHISCLOSE to telling my side of these stories – because I am sick and fucking tired of being a doormat.

That’s my irri-fucking-tation. And I guess, maybe, as a friend I used to have once said to me, “Better Charlie that your head should explode in anger than your heart keep breaking in hurt.” Yeah. Maybe.

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